I'M A WINNER! Oh wait, no I'm not.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am the proud winner of JACK SQUAT! Thank ya, thank ya very much! Please hold your applause.

At my house, we are playing the Brookshire's Collect and Win game (aka the "Collect and Don't Win Shit" game). You know what I'm talking about....the teasing little game that companies like to inflict on their customers to make them think they're actually going to win a gazillion dollars or a house like Oprah's. Everytime you shop at the store you get these little game pieces that you have to stick onto the "game board." Collect all of the pieces for a particular prize, and you win that prize.

Maybe you're familiar with McDonald's Monopoly version of this "Collect and Win A Giant Pile of Nada" game. Call me a sucker, but every time they announce the start of this Monopoly scam, I just HAVE to run by McDonald's at least once a day for my chance at striking it rich. Here's how my order goes: "I would like the Big Mac meal, super-sized {because the game pieces only come on the LARGE fries and drink}, 4 apple pies, and ummmmm some chicken nuggets, aaannnddd a filet-o-fish."

I excitedly pull forward and start opening my nine game pieces. I totally ignore the incessant honking of the bungholes behind me in line. After all, TODAY IS THE DAY I'm going to strike it rich! I'm wearing my lucky underwear (no holes), I hit all the green lights on the way to work, and I ran over a rabbit this morning. (That counts as a lucky rabbit's foot, right?) I stick my head out the window and scream, "I will be able to buy and sell you, you impatient shithead! As soon as I can get these game pieces open and collect my cash!"

Ok, ok, what have we got? Boardwalk! Yes!!! I knew this was my lucky day! Now all I need is the corresponding Park Place piece and I will be rollin' in the Benjamins. (Yes, I'm street. Step off, biatches!) Next one, Marvin Gardens - well, that's ok. I've got 7 more to open. After 2 more Marvin Gardens, 2 Mediterraneans, a St. James Place, a Tennessee Avenue and a Reading Railroad, I'm totally depressed, so I eat all of the food I've ordered to comfort me. However, I do save one of the apple pies for my daughter. I'm generous like that; plus, there's no need for gluttony. And remember, I have to do this whole process again tomorrow.

Eventually I will win a small order of fries or an ice cream cone, neither of which comes with another game piece (not fair!). So basically what I've learned is that playing the McDonald's Monopoly game only leads to: 1) little game pieces littering my car and 2) a couple extra layers of fat on my ass. Yeah, like I needed that!

But I digress. We were discussing the Brookshire's "Collect For Weeks and Win a Two Dollar Gift Card" game. My darling hubby brought home groceries and presented me with the game pieces. Yeah, he's always thinking of me. Back off ladies...he's mine! I anxiously open the game pieces and get one for the gazillion dollars. Yay! Only 5 more gazillion dollar pieces to go, and that cash is mine! Then I get one for the Carnival Cruise. Oh yeah, just one more to win that! It's not a gazillion dollars, but a cruise would totally cheer me up. Then I get one for the $2 gift card. Oooooh.....ahhhhhh.

Then guess what? I got the second piece for the Carnival Cruise! Oh. My. Gawd. I've actually won something worth more than 59 cents! I was running all over the house doing my favorite dance moves: running man, sprinkler, funky chicken, cabbage patch, cotton-eyed Joe, rump shaker, and the horny antelope (don't ask!). I stepped on the poor cat's tail, but promised him I would bring him a most fabulous cat toy back from my cruise, so he forgave me.

Then my hubby comes in to see what all of the fuss is about. I proudly show him our fabulous prize! He didn't seem quite as pumped up as I was. Well, just wait until I get some new lingerie for the cruise. Then I'll bet he gets excited! Errrr, maybe not after all that McDonald's food...

"Uhhh, honey," he says. "You don't actually win automatically. It's a drawing for a cruise." WTF? I pull out my magnifying glass to read the fine print:

To enter - Collect each sweepstakes marker and affix to a 3X5 index card. Print your name, address, phone number, age, social security number, astrological sign, height, weight, bra or penis size, handprint of your first-born child, all current medications, number of piercings, and shoe size. Mail to the address listed below.

Oh, hells bells! I'll never fit all of that on a 3X5 index card. And I'm not applying for Medicare here, people....just give me the effin' cruise!!! Well, now I'm disgusted and just want to throw the whole game board in the trash. But my hubby encourages me to keep trying. After all, we are sooooo close to winning that $2 gift card. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

I'll keep you updated, but in the meantime, anyone know what time McDonald's closes?