She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Monday, August 30, 2010

A Shitty Fairy Tale....literally

I would like to start out by saying that if you have a really sensitive gag reflex, you may want to turn away now.  Go read one of my milder blogs like this one, or this one, or maybe this one.

Otherwise, press on my little bloggy critters...

Once upon a time in a land far, far, away my office, a young prince came in for an examination.  He ventured into our bathroom, which had been freshly cleaned just that very morning.  He was the first person of the day to use it; this will become important later in the story.

After the young prince left, the queen (that's me) went into the restroom to straighten her crown and fluff her exquisite golden hair in the mirror.  This incredibly lovely queen (ok, I'm pushing it...just trying to make it interesting here) looked down at the toilet throne and saw this:

My Throne
"Surely you jest!"  remarked the queen.  Which in modern terms means, "You've gotta be f*cking kidding me!"  The young prince had shit ON the queen's throne!

It was smeared all over the toilet throne in a most disturbing manner.  The only way this could have been accomplished would be for someone to crap on the toilet throne seat, then sit on it and wiggle around to achieve the desired pattern.  I know this because I am a poo expert. 

Now, maybe you're thinking that the poor little fella didn't know what he was doing.  Well, this boy was not exactly a toddler or even a young child.  He was 13 years old!  In my expert opinion (see official certificate above), 13 is plenty old enough to go to the bathroom without shitting all over everything.

Even as a very small child, if I had an accident of a caca nature, I had the sense to tell my mom that I needed some help with said accident.  I knew enough not to just leave it there on the toilet like some macabre art project.

Since there was no evidence of a clean-up attempt, I can only assume that this youngster went home with dookey smeared all over his butt and legs.  I venture to predict that this dude will remain a virgin until he is properly potty-trained.

Can you just imagine the first time he pulls something like this when he's over at a girlfriend's house?  Imagine that he's anticipating a little horizontal mambo since the girlfriend's parents are out of town.  The young couple has a lovely candlelit burrito dinner, after which the boy goes into the bathroom.  A short time later, the girl goes into the restroom to "freshen up" in anticipation of their upcoming romantic interlude.  She looks down and sees fresh doody all over her toilet. 

Methinks that this would be an instant mood killer, especially since she will have to clean it up before her parents get home.  I hypothesize that the young prince ain't getting no action tonight.  In the slightly paraphrased words of the Soup Nazi, "No sex for you!"

So, the moral of this tale is:  The shit goes IN the toilet, dude!


  1. We men already have a shit reputation as it is for not being able to get the pee in the toilet. Now this kid wants to up the ante and poo all over it, too? Jackass.

  2. oh my gawd.

    That experience deserves a passive-aggressive note stuck to the wall. "We don't pee in your pool so don't leave shit on my toilet." Gag.

    Oh also, you do have really good hair.

  3. that is just wrong in so many different ways. I really wonder what his house looks like. yikes

  4. lmao! You sure have a way with words! More! More! Sorry you have to delve in the land of shit when royalty such as yourself should have minions to take care of that little issue!~still laughing my ass off~

  5. Minions! Yes!!! I need minions, damnit! Who wants to volunteer? Previous groveling experience is a plus.

  6. haha...thanks for the laugh...only a nurse wouldn't be grossed out and find this a tad funny...course if I had to clean it up that would be a different story. Thanks for following my blog..i shall return the favor and shall forward your link to a few blogger buddies of mine.

  7. Oh my god!That is horrible but you made the incident so freakin' funny! I hope when my son is 13 he doesn't do shit like that. Ha Ha. I have been stewing about writing some blogs on shit...I just may do it!

  8. You should, Jess! The shit-o-blog was very liberating. I'm thinking about blogging about vibrators or something next.