She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!
I would like to start out by saying that if you have a really sensitive gag reflex, you may want to turn away now. Go read one of my milder blogs like this one, or this one, or maybe this one.
Otherwise, press on my little bloggy critters...
Once upon a time in a land far, far, away my office, a young prince came in for an examination. He ventured into our bathroom, which had been freshly cleaned just that very morning. He was the first person of the day to use it; this will become important later in the story.
After the young prince left, the queen (that's me) went into the restroom to straighten her crown and fluff her exquisite golden hair in the mirror. This incredibly lovely queen (ok, I'm pushing it...just trying to make it interesting here) looked down at the toilet throne and saw this:
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| My Throne |
"Surely you jest!" remarked the queen. Which in modern terms means, "You've gotta be f*cking kidding me!" The young prince had shit ON the queen's throne!
It was smeared all over the toilet throne in a most disturbing manner. The only way this could have been accomplished would be for someone to crap on the toilet throne seat, then sit on it and wiggle around to achieve the desired pattern. I know this because I am a poo expert.
Now, maybe you're thinking that the poor little fella didn't know what he was doing. Well, this boy was not exactly a toddler or even a young child. He was 13 years old! In my expert opinion (see official certificate above), 13 is plenty old enough to go to the bathroom without shitting all over everything.
Even as a very small child, if I had an accident of a caca nature, I had the sense to tell my mom that I needed some help with said accident. I knew enough not to just leave it there on the toilet like some macabre art project.
Since there was no evidence of a clean-up attempt, I can only assume that this youngster went home with dookey smeared all over his butt and legs. I venture to predict that this dude will remain a virgin until he is properly potty-trained.
Can you just imagine the first time he pulls something like this when he's over at a girlfriend's house? Imagine that he's anticipating a little horizontal mambo since the girlfriend's parents are out of town. The young couple has a lovely candlelit burrito dinner, after which the boy goes into the bathroom. A short time later, the girl goes into the restroom to "freshen up" in anticipation of their upcoming romantic interlude. She looks down and sees fresh doody all over her toilet.
Methinks that this would be an instant mood killer, especially since she will have to clean it up before her parents get home. I hypothesize that the young prince ain't getting no action tonight. In the slightly paraphrased words of the Soup Nazi, "No sex for you!"
So, the moral of this tale is: The shit goes IN the toilet, dude!
Ok, creatures! Since I helped some of you guys find lust love with my blog on swingers and such, I've decided to do some match-making for you singles out there. I know, I'm a servant to your happiness!
However, before I show you the pictures and bios, I thought I would give you some pointers to avoid those uncomfortable silences that can occur during a first date. Here are some things that would be excellent to say if you notice a lull in the conversation:
1. Wanna see my gallstones? {pulling a small jar from your pocket}
2. I'll have the fava beans and a nice chianti.
3. I own stock in KY Jelly. {wink, wink}
4. Have you ever noticed that sometimes your farts smell like what you ate last night?
5. My psychic advisor says we're going to get married.
6. Which Smurf is YOUR favorite?
7. I really need to call home and check on my quadruplets. You like kids, right?
8. I just don't understand why people get all freaked out about contracting syphilis!
9. I love your perfume. It smells kinda like ass and cat food.
10. My mom likes to watch. Is that cool with you?
11. You shore got a purty mouth.
12. I illegal immigrant. You want get marry?
13. My favorite song is, "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round."
14. I'm so excited! My proctologist said my infection is almost cleared up!
15. {mumbling} It rubs the lotion on the skin.....
16. Is it ok if I call you, "Mommy?" (This is especially charming if you're a lady asking your male date this question.
17. Dammit, when is Valtrex going to come out with once-daily dosing?
18. I'd really like to show you my basement. Put this blindfold on.
19. What color is your poo in the morning?
20. I'm a blogger!
Please try out these suggestions this weekend and let me know how they work. I'm sure you'll have great success!
Signed,
The Love Doctor
I have received a blogging award! Hey, stop laughing!
I received this award from Angie at Like She's Somebody. She is a hoot and if you haven't checked out her blog, go do it now. Seriously, GO! But just make sure you come back!
It is now my duty to pass this award along to other deserving bloggers who make me smile every day! And the award goes to......
My Kids Might Be Martians
Hiding From the Kids
Content Unrelated (Make sure to check out the "Is it Manly?" series.)
Disco Lemonade
Mental Poo
Mommy Wants Vodka
Red Means Go
Sassy Curmudgeon
Thanks for the laughs...now pass the love on to some of your favorite bloggers!
Oop, I forgot that you're also supposed to list 5 random things about yourself. Here are mine:
1. I LOVE football! It's my favorite sport
2. My family is very confusing. My dad and my mother-in-law are both named Terry/Teri, and I have 2 brothers-in-law named Mike. Makes for a lot of confusing conversations!
3. I once won a syrup sopping contest. See, now you know just how fabulous I am!
4. I hit a motorcycle with my car as a teenager. They were ok, and I was ok, but it left me open for all kinds of comments and jokes...still to this day!
5. I like big butts, and I cannot lie. 'Nuff said!
Random enough for ya?
I'm outta here!
