She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Look Out,!

Signore Sexy Pants has to travel frequently due to his job. Our 9-year-old daughter, Miss Smarty Pants, is tired of her daddy traveling, because when he’s traveling it means he’s not here to properly spoil her. So, she has decided to find him a new job by making a questionnaire of twelve key items to determine a suitable new profession. I thought I would share these insightful questions with all of you, followed by his responses:

1. Are you afraid of touching other people’s spit? Yes.
2. Can you climb fast? Yes.
3. Are you a good builder? Yes.
4. Are you afraid of getting hurt? Yes. (He wanted to put, “Hell, yeah!” but I wouldn’t let him.)
5. Are you a good massues? Yes. (Not a bad attempt at spelling “masseuse.”)
6. Are you very good at math? No.
7. Are you a fast runner? No.
8. Are you okay with touching blood? Yes.
9. Are you afraid of talking on TV? No.
10. Are you good at drawing? No.
11. Are you good at controlling kids? Yes.
12. Are you a fast digger? Yes.

Based on these questions and the corresponding answers, Miss Smarty Pants has ruled out the following occupations:
Rocket scientist
Olympic sprinter

These are the ones she has determined to still be good possibilities:
Monkey catcher (Prior experience includes chasing a toddler.)
Welder/construction contractor (No experience needed, right?)
Masseuse (I’m vetoing this one. He does that rub-in-one-spot-until-it-bleeds thing.)
Doctor (Yeah, he’ll just start on that tomorrow…shouldn’t take long.)
Actor (He does kind of resemble Vin Diesel.)
Babysitter (Is it bad that his idea of controlling kids involves duct tape and razor wire?)
Grave digger (Perhaps a nice-paying job with the mob?)

So, if any of you are searching for a job or wanting a career change, don't pay for one of those online job search sites. Just let me know, and Miss Smarty Pants will design an appropriate questionnaire for your specific needs. Discounts will be given for regular Opto-Mom readers!


  1. This was awesome. I loved it. If I ever need to look for a job I will come to you and your little one.

  2. Your blog provided a much needed lift today - oh thank you thank you thank you! I really (f*cking) needed that!

  3. That is great!!! Love the questions.

  4. @Oilfield - I have a few preliminary questions for you. Would you enjoy cleaning men's bathhouses? Can you wrestle?

    @Nicole - You're (f*cking) welcome!

    @Kristy - Thanks...these were the exact questions copied from her "employment form."