Give Me a Freegan Break!

Today I will be discussing freeganism. Have ya heard of it? If not, well, read on dear friend…you’re about to be educated and probably pretty grossed out.

Freegans are people who are against consumerism. They don’t believe that people should spend their money on things like food, clothing, cars, etc. When I first heard about this lifestyle on the radio, I thought that it was kind of neat – people living simply, embracing the Little House on the Prairie way of life. Yeah! More people should do that. After all, who is not sick of seeing 5 year-olds walking around with their Gucci purses, thousand dollar lap dogs, and brand new iPhones? It’s like a bunch of mini Paris Hiltons have taken over every mall in America. Let’s tone it down a notch, right?

Then they got to the crown jewel of freeganism. Know what it is? Anyone? You there in front of your computer – yeah, you with the black shirt on. No??? Ok, I’ll tell you. The hallmark of a freegan lifestyle is dumpster diving. Yes, you heard me right. These folks are so opposed to consumerism that they refuse to buy food; instead, they choose to scavenge food from the dumpsters behind restaurants and grocery stores. Now these aren’t homeless people who are digging for food just to stay alive. These are people who CHOOSE to dig through the trash for food, rather than walk in the store and spend 10 bucks on groceries.

There is also a freegan cookbook. Now how the hell does that work? “Honey, I need you to run down to the dumpster behind Brookshire’s to find some stuff for this recipe. I need 12 ounces of chicken, a cup of flour, a teaspoon of salt, and some diced onion.” Does a freegan take their measuring cup and a food scale on their dumpster diving expeditions?

Many freegans are also vegans (they don’t eat meat, eggs, cheese, or anything that comes from animals – it’s like hardcore vegetarianism). But some will eat meat and often scavenge meat that has just reached its expiration date and is thrown out by grocery stores. Maybe this only occurs in cooler climates, because I’m from Texas, and let me tell you…if you leave a big hunk of raw meat in this heat for more than 5 minutes, it’s already covered with maggots and vermin. I appreciate these people’s concern for the environment and their distaste for waste, but good Lord! Dumpster diving is just freegan gross!

Another aspect of the freegan lifestyle is growing their own gardens. Now that may seem like a good idea until they tell you how they fertilize them. This could also be a new term for you: humanure. I probably don’t even have to explain this to you. It seems self-explanatory, but let me expound for you, because I’m nothing if not thorough. Freegans apparently also despise sewer systems so they make their own toilets and use the contents to fertilize their gardens. Ok, I’m starting to gag just writing this. Can you imagine?

Freegan: “Hey, you want some carrots?”

Me: “Yummy! Ummmm, why are they brown?”

Freegan: “I just grew them in my own shit!”

Me: {Simultaneously puking and using hand sanitizer, LOTS of hand sanitizer.}

Freegans don’t believe in jobs because they think it’s a form of slavery to work for someone else. Some of them will work minimal hours just to pay their rent, but others just become squatters in unused buildings. I agree that we do waste too much stuff, but to me it seems a little extreme to live in a hovel and eat garbage and doo doo food. If you want to help the environment and live a simpler life, that’s fine. But don’t be freegan nasty!

One of the main things that I’ve learned while researching freeganism is that they even recycle their words: vegan --> freegan, manure --> humanure. I’ve also learned that I have a very strong gag reflex, so I could never be a freegan. I don’t live an extravagant lifestyle, but I do appreciate such things as indoor plumbing, clean food, and air conditioning. My research has inspired me to try and do a better job of conserving. Maybe I’ll recycle more and try to eat leftovers instead of throwing the food out. But dumpster diving and eating food grown in human crap? No FREEGAN way!