It's The Great Pumpkin, Bitches!

Let me take you back - waaaay back. Now close your eyes…NO, WAIT…better keep them open so you can read the rest of my post.

Just relax, and think about when you were a small child, in October, sitting in front of the console TV that had a 12 inch screen and took up half of the friggin‘ living room. You see the commercial you’ve been waiting for: The Charlie Brown Halloween Special is coming on this week!

Then your mom burns the gravy and you have to evacuate the house until the smoke clears out.

Damn! You missed which night Charlie Brown is supposed to show! What to do? What to do? Oh yes, the TV Guide. You manage to weed through that great conglomeration of 6-point font and advertisements, and see that it’s coming on TV on Thursday.

So you make note of the date, time, and channel. When Thursday rolls around, you make sure to have all of your homework done so your parents don’t make you miss the one show you’ve been waiting for all year! And you beg your mom not to make gravy that night. Just in case.

The show comes on, and you watch it, complete with commercials for all of the newest toys. You start mentally making your Christmas list. You laugh at Snoopy’s antics, wonder what purpose Woodstock is supposed to serve, roll your eyes at Lucy’s bitchiness, lament Charlie Brown’s stupidity, feel jealousy at Pig Pen’s apparent lack of strict parental units, and marvel at Linus’s gullability. Ahhh, the memories!

Now fast-forward to 2010. Let’s assume you are a child. You are in the living room watching the 72 inch flat screen plasma TV. The Charlie Brown commercial comes on right about the time your mom burns the tofu burgers and sets off the smoke alarm. You hit pause. After the excitement, you continue watching TV, RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT OFF. You see that the Charlie Brown special is coming on Thursday, so you set the DVR to record it so you can watch it later and forward through the commercials. You don’t need no stinking commercials! You do all of your shopping online on your customized laptop or on your iPhone.

 And kids today complain that their lives are hard! I just saw the commercial advertising the Charlie Brown Halloween special, and I have to admit that I got a childish little thrill. That is, until I watched the whole commercial. Apparently, Charlie Brown has gone gansta, biatches. Yes. Charlie. Cracker-Ass. Brown. Is. Rapping. Here are the lyrics:

 Hey party people, it’s Charlie B.
Bringin Halloween grooves at ABC.
Rakin leaves and rollin on a pumpkin
Trick or treat then the party gets thumpin.

 Lucy’s getting bossy; Snoopy’s feelin saucy.
{Unintelligible something something} posse.
But where is Linus? This party is posh.
He’s waitin in the field for a mythical squash.

 Word.

 OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY! WHAT THE HELL?

 “Word.” He actually said, “word.” Who decided to turn one of childhood’s most beloved characters into Vanilla Ice? Or would it be Brown Ice? Vanilla Brown?

"Word to yo mutha!"

And he talked about his posse. Look, if your group of friends includes a dude that carries a blankie, then perhaps “posse” is not the appropriate word for you. I don’t even think I could, in good conscience, let Charlie B. use the word “homies.”

 

I wonder if Schroeder, the piano prodigy on the show, is planning to drop the piano and start scratching on the turn tables. And Snoopy could change his name to…well, Snoop Dogg. However, if I see Peppermint Patti in booty shorts and a crop top, I swear to God I will get a gun and shoot my TV.

 I can’t wait to see what the network executives have planned for Christmas:

 Santa Claus Is Coming to the Hizzouse


Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Goes to Rehab for Cocaine Addiction


How the Grinch Jacked Christmas


Frosty the Blow Man


Miracle on Swag Street


Ahhhhh, good times with the family. I’m outta here, bitches. Word.