Think You Might Be Possessed?: A Comprehensive Guide

It’s Halloween time, that time of year when people all over America stop to ponder whether or not they are possessed by the devil or some other evil spirit.


What? Halloween is about kids eating candy and women dressing up as sluts? It’s not about evil beings molesting you and stealing your soul?


Well, that’s not what I was lead to believe by Angie over at Like She’s Somebody. She and her daughter went to see a scary movie, and now she has, ummm, concerns. Has her body been overtaken by demons, or is she just an obsessive nut? I’ll give you some guidelines via the Jeff Foxworthy “You might be a redneck…” approach, and you can decide for yourself.


If yoooooou……..


Have legions of minions who follow and worship you…you might be possessed (or Justin Bieber.)


If yoooooou……..


Wake up and there is green vomit spewed all over your walls…you might be possessed (or have Mad Cow Disease.)


If yoooooou……..


Look in the mirror and your face is pointed in the opposite direction of your nipples…you might be possessed (or Rosie O’Donnell.)


If yoooooou……..


look in the mirror and your skin is literally peeling off in great black chunks….you might be possessed (or a zombie…or Elizabeth Taylor….these may be the same thing…not sure.)


If yoooooou……..


Routinely eat small varmints like raccoons, rats, or squirrels…you might be possessed (or Ozzy Osbourne, unless you grill them first, and then you’re just a redneck.)


If yoooooou……..


Like snakes…you might be possessed. (Unless you are the Crocodile Hunter, but wait - he’s dead. So yeah, you’re definitely possessed. Sorry!)


If yoooooou……..


Can communicate with the spirit of Adolph Hitler…you might be possessed (or Mel Gibson.)


If yoooooou……..


Scare cats just by looking at them…you might be possessed (or a dog).


If yoooooou……..


Often speak with a demonic voice that doesn’t belong to you and you make strange noises and odd faces…you might be possessed (or Jim Carrey.)


If yoooooou……..


Slap a priest upside the head and he hasn’t even molested you…you might be possessed (or Bobby Brown…or Chris Brown.)


If yoooooou……..


Often hear creepy voices in your walls, telling you to “GETTT OUTTTT,”…your house might be possessed. Burn it down NOW!


Well, I think that’s all the guidelines I have for now. I hope this has been helpful for you. Now I’ve gotta go clean the green vomit and bat blood off of my walls. Don’t know how that got there….hmmmm….