Super Bowl XLV Breakdown

With all of the blogging, tweeting, facebooking, and texting going on, Superbowl XLV was one of the most talked about games in recent history. Since I’m so freakin’ hip (holla!), I thought it would be prudent for me to give you a breakdown of the events surrounding the big game.


First of all, I would like to say Happy Birthday to my husband, Signore Sexy Pants. Hey, guess what? You’re still older than me. Nanny nanny boo boo! Also, Happy 60th Birthday to my dad. We tried to have a big ole surprise party for my dad’s milestone b-day, but global warming decided to send us a snowstorm here in Texas, so the party was cancelled. Thanks a lot, Al Gore, you bastard!  Anyway, Happy Birthday to my two favorite guys!


So, are you ready for some FOOTBAAAALLLLL? Too bad, because the football portion seemed to be overshadowed by all of the bullshit engaging events going on throughout the whole fiasco extravaganza known as Super Sunday.


Let’s start with the Red Carpet event. Yes, there was a Red Carpet event AT A GODDAMN FOOTBALL GAME! What? The pretty people don’t get to prance around on a plush scarlet floor covering in front of cameras enough in Hollywood?


Granted, they let the football greats walk the carpet too, but they got virtually no attention. “Look, here comes football great, Roger Staubach. Let’s go talk to him…..OMG, is that Catherine Zeta-Jones? Screw Staubach. We must talk to Cat about her outfit.”


Yeah, because that’s totally why we’re tuning in to watch the Super Bowl…on the off-chance that we might be able to discuss fashion.


And everyone seemed to get really excited when Keith Urban arrived. I personally didn’t give a rat’s ass if he was there. Keith Urban is the only man on the planet who could successfully challenge Justin Bieber for the title of “Stupidest Hair.”


Was the whole red carpet thing really necessary? YOU’RE GOING TO A FOOTBALL GAME, not a movie premiere. I guess movie stars and recording artists find it necessary to be the center of attention at all times. Go figure.


So, by the time the teams came onto the field, I was already burned out on seeing capped teeth and fake boobs (yes, I‘m looking at you, Adam Sandler). Then they brought in Christina Aguilera to sing the national anthem.


I must say that she’s a very talented young lady. If, by talented, you mean “can turn a one-syllable word into a short story.” I read half of Crime and Punishment before Christina even got to the part about the ramparts.


During her vocal gymnastics, my husband decided to get another bowl of chili (because it’s just not the Super Bowl unless you’ve consumed at least 3 bowls of fart soup before kick-off). He almost made it out of the room to avoid the howling of Christina when she jacked up the words. He stopped, and turned around to look at me.


  Husband: Did she just say……?
  Me: Yeppers, sure did.


Most of us start learning the national anthem at around age 5. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve pretty much got that shit down by now.


Is there any possible way we could get someone to sing the national anthem who not only knows the words, but can also sing it without all the extra runs and oversinging? Christ on a crutch! Try to keep it under 10 minutes, honey.


Finally, the game started and we got to watch some actual football, though it was interspersed with promos of the “Bridgestone Halftime Show featuring the Black-Eyed Peas” about every 4 ½ seconds.

Now, I like the Black-Eyed Peas. They are a cool group, and their music is very vibrant and catchy. But listening to them live made me want to melt down some Bridgestone Tires to make a giant pair of earplugs. Perhaps that’s why Bridgestone sponsored them…


I didn’t even know it was possible to rap off-key, but will.i.am proved me soooo wrong on Sunday night. Fergie has a great voice, but she and Will sounded like flaming shit together. If their sound had a smell, I would describe it as the fetid breath of a thousand syphilitic goats.


The BEP should stick to recording songs in the studio, so they can be edited to within an inch of their vocal cords.


I’ll probably get tons of hate mail, because I know a lot of people were impressed with the show. And, I have to admit that the production was fabulous.


With all of the glow-in-the-dark costumes and flashing lights, it was an ADD patient’s dream. “Hey, they’re playing horrible, horrible music……ooh, look! Shiny!”


I actually loved the costumes. The BEP costumes reminded me of KISS, except without the musical talent. In fact, I think it’s time to bring KISS back to the Super Bowl. They performed in 1999, and they always rock the house.


If you want to go really old school, try for Smokey Robinson, Stevie Wonder, or Aretha Franklin. They are all veteran entertainers with wonderful vocals. They’re all still alive, right?


Holy fuckin’ cow, I would rather see M.C. Hammer perform at next year’s halftime show. His dancing is a combination of all things awesome. Remember that typewriter move? Ok, get up and do it now. Go ahead…you know you wanna! [2 Legit, 2 Legit 2 quit, hey hey!]


Other awesome choices would be Bon Jovi or Journey. They both have frontmen that can sing their asses off, and the bands have some iconic songs that would have everyone in the stadium on their feet with lighters in hand.


Wait…what? I’ve just received some new information from my staff. Apparently, people no longer hold up lighters at concerts. They use their cell phones now. Thanks to my staff for helping me with my goal of keeping’ it real for my peeps. (holla!)

If you want more flash for the halftime show, go with Metallica, Motley Crue, or Def Leppard. These bands rock, and their music would be conducive to an accompanying elaborate laser and light show. (Oooh, sparkly!)


Does it even have to be a musical act? I think Criss Angel doing an illusion where he disappears and never comes back then reappears on top of the Jumbotron would be pretty damn sweet.

By the way, I really liked Criss a lot better before he had his makeover and started looking like Pat Benetar.

Uncanny!

So, there you have my breakdown of the Super Sunday events. Oh yeah, and the Packers won. (holla!)