A Rose By Any Other Name Would Be Just As F*cking Stupid

Gini over at The Big Fat Gini Blog wrote a post the other day about people getting her name wrong. Apparently, someone has decided that her name should be “Gina.” So, just to piss her off, hop on over there and call her “Gina,” or perhaps “Vagina.” She just loves that shit!


Anyway, I started thinking about names and how they often confuse me. For example, I have an acquaintance named Amy who has a daughter named Ashley. Ok, wait; I think that’s ass-backward. The mom is Ashley and the daughter is Amy. Or is one of them Abby?


Oh, Hell’s bells! I don’t know! And to really throw me off, both of them use the daughter’s picture as their profile pic on facebook. WTF, people? Just W-T-F??


For the love of Moses, please use your own picture on face book, because you people are confusing the pee-pee out of me. Another current trend is to use a picture of your pet as your profile pic. I find myself thinking, “Gee, Aunt Karen really needs a facial waxing...”


I actually have one relative that sent me a friend suggestion on facebook, and the profile pic was a cute little doggy. I was trying to figure out who the Hell “Rosie” was. A distant aunt? A long-lost cousin? Nope! Turns out, Rosie IS the dog in the pic, and she has her own facebook page. By the way, Rosie plays the shit out of Farmville. (Hey, Rosie - if you’re reading this…please send me some nails for my farm. And no, I don’t want to be your friend on Cityville. And stop scooching your butt on the carpet.)


I do understand how Gini feels, though. My name is Shelia, but I’ve been called Shelly, Sha-lie-ah, Stephanie and lots of other things that start with an “s.”


And sometimes things that don’t start with an “s.” But that’s another story.


All you need to know is that my name rhymes with tequila. And that, my friends, is why I’m so awesome. (And you thought it was because of my blogging…)


I have a nutty aunt who re-names all of the baby girls born in our family. She likes to give them old lady names like Bertha, Ethyl, and Sybil. Then the whole family starts calling them by their senior citizen moniker. This is totally confusing for the children at family reunions. “Mommy, why is everyone calling me ‘Gertrude?’”


I also have a nutty uncle (anyone seeing a trend here?) who gives everyone a ghetto name. Mine is Shaquilla. I have to admit that I’m a little disappointed that my ghetto name doesn’t have an apostrophe or an asterisk or anything cool like that. I may change it to Sha’Quilla, or maybe Sha*Quil’La.


Your input and/or further suggestions are certainly welcome. Oh, and Ny*Quilla is already taken (dammit!), so scratch that one off your list.


Speaking of names, do any of you watch The First 48? The husband and I love watching this show, which is a reality series about police trying to track down the people responsible for murders in their jurisdictions. The majority of the cases are drug-related, so most of the people on the show have “street names.” Here is how the interviews usually go:


Detective: Were you at Roger’s house when he was murdered?
Witness: Who is Roger?
Detective: I think they call him Poolu.
Witness: Oh yeah. Naw. I was at my auntie’s house.
Detective: Well, I’ve got a witness that says you were at Roger’s, ummm Poolu’s.
Witness: Who tole you dat?
Detective: Fellatio told me.
Witness: Oh, well, I mighta been there.
Detective: Did you see anyone with a gun?
Witness: Naw, but Poolu’s brother was there.
Detective: Who is his brother?
Witness: His name Hot Boy.
Detective: So his street name is “Hot Boy.” What’s his real name?
Witness: Dunno, e’erbody just call him “Hot Boy.”
Detective: Ok, was anyone else there?
Witness: I din’t see nobody, but Coco said Cousin been mad at Poolu.
Detective: Poolu’s cousin was mad at him?
Witness: Naw, not his cousin. Dude’s NAME is “Cousin.”
Detective: What were Cousin and Poolu arguing about.
Witness: Mighta been about some weed. Cousin was mad that Poolu sold some weed to Barber.
Detective: He sold weed to Cousin’s barber?
Witness: Naw, man. E'erbody just call him “Barber.”


Holy shitballs! How do these detectives keep a straight face through all of this? I guarantee you they all go home with massive migraines every night!


Here’s a little request for you parents out there. If your child has a “street name,” please immediately chain them up in your basement. If not, they only have 3 options for their future: murder victim, murderer, or witness to a murder.


And celebrities - you are not off the hook on the whole name thing. What the fuck are some of you people thinking when you name your children?


Here is my hypothesis on how some of these morons come up with the names: The celebs have spent so much time cruising around on their personal jets or in their monster SUVs to protest pollution, that they just haven’t had time to come up with a name for their little spawn. After all, they are busy and important people, just trying to save the environment! Then it comes time to give birth, and they realize they still don’t have a name for the kid. So, they name him or her the first thing they see after the kid is born.


Examples supporting this hypothesis:


1. Gwyneth Paltrow has a daughter named Apple. Seriously, Gwynnie, did you just look around the room after you gave birth and see an apple on your hospital tray, and thing, “Goddamn, I love apples. They are so sweet and delicious. Oh! I think I’ll name my new daughter after this fine fruit!”

 2. Arthur Ashe named his daughter Camera. Was this his thought process? “Gosh, what are we going to name this child? Perhaps if I take some pictures of her, I could come up with some ideas. I’m so glad I brought my camera. Cameras are so handy at special times like this. I think cameras are about the best things in the world…just like…ohmygod! We can name her after my favorite invention!” Brilliant! No, really.


3. Toni Braxton is a brilliant singer, but her child-naming skillz are not so much with the being brilliant thing. Her son is named Denim. I think she was talking to her husband and said: “Whew! That baby is finally out. Now hand me my jeans and let me see if they fit. Boy, I have missed denim. It really is a wonderful fabric…and…hey…we could name our kid after my favorite pair of pants!” I’m just glad she wasn’t wearing Capri pants that day. Or linen. Or paisley. Or corduroy. Or stretch pants. Or khakis. My Gawd! She could name a whole family after her britches!


[This topic totally reminded me of one of my favorite jokes: An American Indian boy asked his father how Indian children got their names. The father explained that the parents name the child after the first thing they see after the child is born. “We saw a beautiful brook in the distance after your sister was born, so she is Running Brook. And a deer dashed out of the woods at the time your brother was born, so he is Running Deer. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"]

 I think other celebrities are just crackheads. No, I don’t need actual evidence to say that. This is all the explanation that is required:


1. Erykah Badu named her daughter Puma. {Excuse me, did you say, “Puma?”} Why yes, I did! Maybe when she hits age 40, she will change her name to Cougar. Rawwwr!


2. Nicholas Cage’s son is named Kal-el. And no, it’s not some religious name. Kal-el is Superman’s birth name. Why not just name him Peter Parker or Bruce Wayne?


3. Singer/songwriter Bob Geldof has 3 daughters named Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, and Little Pixie. I’m sorry, but drugs are the only explanation for those names. I’m betting on either marijuana or Quaaludes.


4. Magician Penn Jillette is a genius at illusions and trickery, but I just have to wonder how many brain cells he had to lose before he decided to name his daughter Moxie CrimeFighter. This is obviously the result of black tar heroin.


5. It is possible that Sylvester Stallone took too many punches to the head when he decided to name his daughter Sage Moonblood. On the other hand, maybe he just smoked a lot of “sage.”


6. Another celeb who has, perhaps, smoked a few too many herbs is Isaiah Washington. After all, he named his son Thyme. Uhhhh, okay.


7. I think the award has to go to Frank Zappa, though. His sons are named Dweezil and Ahmet Emuukha Rodan. His daughters are named Moon Unit and Diva Muffin. WTF? Can you imagine calling these children to dinner? However, I think I’ll give Mr. Zappa a pass because of this quote from him: "You can't be a Real Country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." Is that not the most awesome analysis of foreign policy, EVER? He’s a funny dude, but perhaps he should have quelled his humorous tendencies when it came to naming his kids.


Is anyone still reading this? Lawd have mercy, I rambled on much longer than intended with this post. I guess I was trying to make up for being a slack-ass and not posting anything for the past two weeks. I’ll try to do better from now on. I plan on doing a matchmaking post, just in time for Valentine’s Day, so watch for it! Now I’m off to tell my daughter, Sunshine Maroon Salt, goodnight.