My hero can kick your hero's ass!

My husband and I went to the movies tonight. We saw The Other Guys, which was freaking hilarious, by the way. (Side note: Do not take the kids to this movie unless you want to do a lot of 'splaining about vaginas, orgies, and pimps.)

Anyway, as we were leaving the theater, we saw several cop cars in the parking lot with lights flashing. Uh oh! What the hell? Was there a vehicle break-in? Rape? Murder? Hmmmm...read on to find out the dastardly details.

We noticed two young men in the back of a police car. Whew! At least the heinous criminals had been apprehended. Hubby asked a police officer what had happened.

Apparently, the two yoots had been to see The Expendables, starring every blockbuster action hero ever to grace the silver screen. I mean, this movie is just full of testosterone! So the young theater goers were having what I assume was a very mature discussion about which actor from the movie could kick the most ass. One of the geniuses insisted that Rambo could kick the Terminator's ass, and the other young genius took offense, stating that the Terminator was clearly the more dominant hero. Things allegedly escalated from there, and the two yoots proceeded to get into a slobber-knocker of a fist fight. At this point, the police were called and Einstein and Copernicus were arrested.

Oh. My. Gawd. Is this really worth fighting about and going to jail for? Is it really that important to agree on which fictional character could kick the other one's ass? This had to be one of the stupidest fights EVER!

So on the way home, hubby and I started discussing other movie heroes. I said that I didn't think the Terminator or Rambo could kick Edward Cullen's ass. I mean, he's so fast and strong, right? Hubby postulated that Harry Potter could beat any of them with his magical talent. Honestly, I thought he was flippin' crazy (Cullen would totally destroy Potter!), but we were very mature in our disagreement. Well, hubby did call me a damn fool and tried to kick me out of the truck, but I hit him in the head with my purse and made him keep driving.

I'll let you khow how the rest of our "discussion" goes after he finishes getting stitches in his head and I make bail. Until then.....

Joke of the week

This one is short and sweet and definitely falls under the category of "corny."

A man went into a psychiatrist's office. He says, "Doc, last night I dreamed I was a teepee. The night before that I dreamed I was a wigwam. What is going on with me?"

The doctor replied, "You're too tents."


Yeah, I know.....

Chinese, anyone?

Some of my favorite written “bloopers” are from Chinese restaurants. Oh, don’t get your panties in a wad….I know English is their second language, but they still crack me up. Here are some examples:

Chicken with peanut - In this case, you get chicken and ONE peanut.

Cup or bowel of hot and sour soup - Wonder if they sell many bowels, or if most people opt for the cup, just to be safe.

Beef with balls - WTF??? I saw this on a Chinese buffet once. Needless to say, I didn’t eat any of it.

Pork lion with sauce - Is it pork or is it lion? Either way, I skipped this one too. I don’t care if lion IS the other white meat.

Please pay check after dying. - Uhhhhh, ok. It may be a while, as I’m not planning on dying soon. That’s why I didn’t eat the balls, the lion, or the "bowel" of soup.

New deodorant

I had to buy new deodorant this week. That and toilet paper are two things I try to NEVER run out of. I usually use the spray deodorant, but they were out of the brand I like, so I got the solid kind instead. I read the directions on the back:

"Remove cap and push up bottom."

Ok, I did that, but it's making me walk really funny and when I fart, the room smells powder fresh.

I think I'll definitely just get the spray next time.

I'M A WINNER! Oh wait, no I'm not.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am the proud winner of JACK SQUAT! Thank ya, thank ya very much! Please hold your applause.

At my house, we are playing the Brookshire's Collect and Win game (aka the "Collect and Don't Win Shit" game). You know what I'm talking about....the teasing little game that companies like to inflict on their customers to make them think they're actually going to win a gazillion dollars or a house like Oprah's. Everytime you shop at the store you get these little game pieces that you have to stick onto the "game board." Collect all of the pieces for a particular prize, and you win that prize.

Maybe you're familiar with McDonald's Monopoly version of this "Collect and Win A Giant Pile of Nada" game. Call me a sucker, but every time they announce the start of this Monopoly scam, I just HAVE to run by McDonald's at least once a day for my chance at striking it rich. Here's how my order goes: "I would like the Big Mac meal, super-sized {because the game pieces only come on the LARGE fries and drink}, 4 apple pies, and ummmmm some chicken nuggets, aaannnddd a filet-o-fish."

I excitedly pull forward and start opening my nine game pieces. I totally ignore the incessant honking of the bungholes behind me in line. After all, TODAY IS THE DAY I'm going to strike it rich! I'm wearing my lucky underwear (no holes), I hit all the green lights on the way to work, and I ran over a rabbit this morning. (That counts as a lucky rabbit's foot, right?) I stick my head out the window and scream, "I will be able to buy and sell you, you impatient shithead! As soon as I can get these game pieces open and collect my cash!"

Ok, ok, what have we got? Boardwalk! Yes!!! I knew this was my lucky day! Now all I need is the corresponding Park Place piece and I will be rollin' in the Benjamins. (Yes, I'm street. Step off, biatches!) Next one, Marvin Gardens - well, that's ok. I've got 7 more to open. After 2 more Marvin Gardens, 2 Mediterraneans, a St. James Place, a Tennessee Avenue and a Reading Railroad, I'm totally depressed, so I eat all of the food I've ordered to comfort me. However, I do save one of the apple pies for my daughter. I'm generous like that; plus, there's no need for gluttony. And remember, I have to do this whole process again tomorrow.

Eventually I will win a small order of fries or an ice cream cone, neither of which comes with another game piece (not fair!). So basically what I've learned is that playing the McDonald's Monopoly game only leads to: 1) little game pieces littering my car and 2) a couple extra layers of fat on my ass. Yeah, like I needed that!

But I digress. We were discussing the Brookshire's "Collect For Weeks and Win a Two Dollar Gift Card" game. My darling hubby brought home groceries and presented me with the game pieces. Yeah, he's always thinking of me. Back off ladies...he's mine! I anxiously open the game pieces and get one for the gazillion dollars. Yay! Only 5 more gazillion dollar pieces to go, and that cash is mine! Then I get one for the Carnival Cruise. Oh yeah, just one more to win that! It's not a gazillion dollars, but a cruise would totally cheer me up. Then I get one for the $2 gift card. Oooooh.....ahhhhhh.

Then guess what? I got the second piece for the Carnival Cruise! Oh. My. Gawd. I've actually won something worth more than 59 cents! I was running all over the house doing my favorite dance moves: running man, sprinkler, funky chicken, cabbage patch, cotton-eyed Joe, rump shaker, and the horny antelope (don't ask!). I stepped on the poor cat's tail, but promised him I would bring him a most fabulous cat toy back from my cruise, so he forgave me.

Then my hubby comes in to see what all of the fuss is about. I proudly show him our fabulous prize! He didn't seem quite as pumped up as I was. Well, just wait until I get some new lingerie for the cruise. Then I'll bet he gets excited! Errrr, maybe not after all that McDonald's food...

"Uhhh, honey," he says. "You don't actually win automatically. It's a drawing for a cruise." WTF? I pull out my magnifying glass to read the fine print:

To enter - Collect each sweepstakes marker and affix to a 3X5 index card. Print your name, address, phone number, age, social security number, astrological sign, height, weight, bra or penis size, handprint of your first-born child, all current medications, number of piercings, and shoe size. Mail to the address listed below.

Oh, hells bells! I'll never fit all of that on a 3X5 index card. And I'm not applying for Medicare here, people....just give me the effin' cruise!!! Well, now I'm disgusted and just want to throw the whole game board in the trash. But my hubby encourages me to keep trying. After all, we are sooooo close to winning that $2 gift card. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

I'll keep you updated, but in the meantime, anyone know what time McDonald's closes?

Give Me a Freegan Break!

Today I will be discussing freeganism. Have ya heard of it? If not, well, read on dear friend…you’re about to be educated and probably pretty grossed out.

Freegans are people who are against consumerism. They don’t believe that people should spend their money on things like food, clothing, cars, etc. When I first heard about this lifestyle on the radio, I thought that it was kind of neat – people living simply, embracing the Little House on the Prairie way of life. Yeah! More people should do that. After all, who is not sick of seeing 5 year-olds walking around with their Gucci purses, thousand dollar lap dogs, and brand new iPhones? It’s like a bunch of mini Paris Hiltons have taken over every mall in America. Let’s tone it down a notch, right?

Then they got to the crown jewel of freeganism. Know what it is? Anyone? You there in front of your computer – yeah, you with the black shirt on. No??? Ok, I’ll tell you. The hallmark of a freegan lifestyle is dumpster diving. Yes, you heard me right. These folks are so opposed to consumerism that they refuse to buy food; instead, they choose to scavenge food from the dumpsters behind restaurants and grocery stores. Now these aren’t homeless people who are digging for food just to stay alive. These are people who CHOOSE to dig through the trash for food, rather than walk in the store and spend 10 bucks on groceries.

There is also a freegan cookbook. Now how the hell does that work? “Honey, I need you to run down to the dumpster behind Brookshire’s to find some stuff for this recipe. I need 12 ounces of chicken, a cup of flour, a teaspoon of salt, and some diced onion.” Does a freegan take their measuring cup and a food scale on their dumpster diving expeditions?

Many freegans are also vegans (they don’t eat meat, eggs, cheese, or anything that comes from animals – it’s like hardcore vegetarianism). But some will eat meat and often scavenge meat that has just reached its expiration date and is thrown out by grocery stores. Maybe this only occurs in cooler climates, because I’m from Texas, and let me tell you…if you leave a big hunk of raw meat in this heat for more than 5 minutes, it’s already covered with maggots and vermin. I appreciate these people’s concern for the environment and their distaste for waste, but good Lord! Dumpster diving is just freegan gross!

Another aspect of the freegan lifestyle is growing their own gardens. Now that may seem like a good idea until they tell you how they fertilize them. This could also be a new term for you: humanure. I probably don’t even have to explain this to you. It seems self-explanatory, but let me expound for you, because I’m nothing if not thorough. Freegans apparently also despise sewer systems so they make their own toilets and use the contents to fertilize their gardens. Ok, I’m starting to gag just writing this. Can you imagine?

Freegan: “Hey, you want some carrots?”

Me: “Yummy! Ummmm, why are they brown?”

Freegan: “I just grew them in my own shit!”

Me: {Simultaneously puking and using hand sanitizer, LOTS of hand sanitizer.}

Freegans don’t believe in jobs because they think it’s a form of slavery to work for someone else. Some of them will work minimal hours just to pay their rent, but others just become squatters in unused buildings. I agree that we do waste too much stuff, but to me it seems a little extreme to live in a hovel and eat garbage and doo doo food. If you want to help the environment and live a simpler life, that’s fine. But don’t be freegan nasty!

One of the main things that I’ve learned while researching freeganism is that they even recycle their words: vegan --> freegan, manure --> humanure. I’ve also learned that I have a very strong gag reflex, so I could never be a freegan. I don’t live an extravagant lifestyle, but I do appreciate such things as indoor plumbing, clean food, and air conditioning. My research has inspired me to try and do a better job of conserving. Maybe I’ll recycle more and try to eat leftovers instead of throwing the food out. But dumpster diving and eating food grown in human crap? No FREEGAN way!

Five Question Friday

1. Are you a neat sleeper or a messy sleeper?
I'm not sure. I'm generally asleep and unaware of my neatness/messiness when I'm sleeping. Duh!

2. Fill in the blank. I wish I was more ________________.
Attentive. Holy cow, I can't concentrate on anything! Hold on, I've gotta go get my popcorn out of the microwave.... Ok, I'm back. What was I saying? Oh yeah, attentiveness. I tend to have problems concentrating. Oops, be right back. I've got a new message on facebook.... Alright, where was I? Hell, never mind!

3. What is something that you wish you had been warned about?
That guy that always wears the t-shirt that says, "I'm the guy your momma warned you about." What's up with that? I had a great mom, but she never told me about that guy.

4. What was the best thing you ever found at a garage sale/flea market?
Underwear. No, just kidding! Why do people sell underwear at a garage sale? Really - ewwwww!

5. If you could have any meal brought to you right now, what would it be?
Hmmmm. That's a hard one because I just ate Mexican food, so I'm not hungry. Perhaps a warm brownie (no nuts) with vanilla ice cream and hot fudge would be nice, though.