My Totally Realistic New Year's Resolutions

At the beginning of every year, most folks come up with a list of crappy resolutions that they usually blow by the end of January. People, you are obviously setting your sights too high!

If you haven’t exercised once in the past 12 years, you are NOT all of a sudden going to start doing a six hour workout EVERY day so that you will look like Sylvester Stallone by mid-February.

Did you see what Rocky had to go through to look so buff in the one where he fought the big Russian? Sorry, but your new Ab Lounger is not going to bring you the same results as doing free-fall sit-ups off a hay loft or pulling four tons of wood around through 20 feet of snow.

I'll wager that the Ab Lounger will be communing with the dust bunnies under your bed by March.

If you weigh 300 pounds, you are not going to get down to 150 this year unless some type of surgical intervention is involved. Or unless the bottom half of your body is severed in a tragic tractor accident.

If you’ve smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day since you were 12, chewing a piece of shitty-tasting gum a few times a day is not going to kick your habit, though I admire your ambition.

We have got to learn to make more reasonable and attainable resolutions. Set some goals you might actually have a chance of keeping.

Just face it. None of us are going to play in the U.S. Open or learn to speak fluent Chinese.

Okay, don’t get all pissy because I’m a Negative Nelly. I’m here to help by presenting you with my New Year’s Resolutions for 2011. Use these as a guide to customize your own list.


1. Most people set a goal to lose weight in the new year. I, however, plan to gain at least 100 pounds so I can wear some gold stretch pants, a net shirt with no bra, platform heels, and a pimp hat to Wal-Mart and end up on the “People of Wal-Mart” website by the end of 2011. See? This goal is attainable; plus, I will have the privilege of being on the most awesome website in the U.S. (well, besides my blog, of course).


2. My second resolution is to not get arrested for public nudity. Seeing as how I shower in the dark to avoid catching sight of my naked self in the mirror, it’s highly likely that I will be avoiding public nudity this year.
I might as well just go ahead and put a check-mark beside this one….or, maybe I should wait until after Mardi Gras, just to be safe.


3. I resolve to NOT have this happen to me.

I promise, if I get a pimple that grows to the size of a softball and smells like rotten eggs and cat vomit, I will go to a fucking dermatologist.

4. This year, I plan to discourage the sagging pants phenomenon by singing “Pants on the Ground” at the top of my lungs whenever I see someone with their drawers hanging out. Seriously, dude - NO ONE wants to see your ass or your underbritches.

LOOKIN' LIKE A FOOL WIT YA PANTS ON DA GROUND!

This also goes for girls wearing see-through shirts so their bras show. Until some semi-retarded drunk guy comes up with a song for this occurrence, I guess I’ll have to make up my own. I think I’ll call it, “Hey, Slut! Put Some Decent Clothes On.”

Yes, Grandma, I'm talking to you.


5. My final resolution is to drink more. I got a bottle of fine vodka for Christmas, and that shit was smooth. Therefore, it’s my new drink of choice. 


Well, that's all of my resolutions for this year.  Let me know if I have inspired any of you to make realistic resolutions for 2011.  Happy New Year!