I Gots Guacamole In My Eye!!!

Hey there, bloggy land! As anyone who works with the public can tell you, dealing with people can be ummm….well…interesting. In fact, here are some tales that are just too interesting not to share. Let’s start the week off with some glaucoma stories, shall we?


I had a patient that told me that his previous doctor told him that he needed his eye pressure checked regularly because he was at risk for guacamole. Just try to maintain a professional demeanor when someone tells you that!

Guacamole!!!  Don't get it in your eye!

There was another patient that had glaucoma (or guacamole, depending on who you talk to) that refused treatment because he wanted to wait until marijuana was legalized. Ummm, would you like to go ahead and start learning Braille now? Because despite what your cousin in California told you, smoking pot will not “cure” your glaucoma. Though it’s true that marijuana can lower your eye pressure a few points, it is not enough to effectively treat the disease. In fact, you would have to smoke 8-10 marijuana cigarettes a day to achieve the same results as putting an eyedrop in once a day. So drop that argument, Cheech!

 

Cheech - the same color as guacamole.  Coincidence?  I think NOT!

I absolutely adore my patients because they make me smile each and every day!

Viagra and friends

Ok, boys and girls! It’s time to discuss all of those Viagra and Cialis commercials that we have to endure anytime we turn on our televisions. When you hear that soft music and the words, “It can happen at any moment….” you know what’s next. Buckle up....it's gonna be a long one! (Pun intended)

Let’s talk about the music first. Couldn’t they come up with something a little better than that generic instrumental crap? I think a more appropriate choice would be “Let’s Get It On,” by the great Marvin Gaye. Or how about, “Let’s Get Physical,” by Olivia Newton John? If you’re going for subtlety, then perhaps Akon’s “Smack That” would be a good option. The Pointer Sister’s “Slow Hand” might work, but don’t be too slow, mister; ya don’t want that Viagra to run out before you finish your business! “(I’m Bringing) SexyBack” by Justin Timberlake seems especially descriptive, but I think my favorite may be “Sexual Healing,” by Marvin Gaye. I mean, isn’t that the whole purpose of Viagra and Cialis?

Ok, enough with the music selections already. Let’s get to the meat of the issue (another pun – I said “meat” – hee hee). The voiceovers in these commercials are just way too bland. Can’t they get someone with a voice like Barry White to do the voiceover? I personally think it would be ultra sexy with Sean Connery doing the voice. “Take this medicine and get your damn pecker working again, lad!” Oh yeah! That’s hot right there!

Anyway, here is a partial transcript of one of the commercials (we’ll call it Stiffomycin, for the purposes of this blog) – interspersed with my expert comments, of course:

How do you know when the moment is right?
Ummmm, here's a hint: it's called half-time.

It can happen at any time.
Well, apparently “it” can’t or you wouldn’t need this medication. I'm just saying….

There are two dosing options: 36 hour Stiffomycin or Stiffomycin for daily use.
Daily? You go, boy!!!

Don’t drink alcohol while taking Stiffomycin.
Isn’t that when you need it most?

Side effects may include headache, upset stomach, backache, and muscle aches.
Wow! Nothing puts a woman in the mood more than her man puking and whining about his back.

Seek immediate medical help for an erection lasting more than 4 hours.
Four hours? Really? What man is going to complain about a 4 hour erection? Or for that matter, what woman would complain about it?

If you have any sudden decrease in vision or hearing, stop taking Stiffomycin and call your doctor right away.
Maybe this is actually how the medication is supposed to work. It blinds the man so he doesn’t have to see his wife’s wrinkles and/or fat rolls. Then it deafens him so he can’t hear her nagging. And VIOLA!!! Instant erection!

My other beef (there I go with the puns again!) with these commercials is the behavior of the men/actors. Are we really supposed to believe that having our man take a little pill will totally alter his behavior? Now seriously, how often does your man dance with you in the kitchen or take a bath with you in a big claw-foot tub beside a river? Most of us are lucky just to get him to put down the remote during sex. Maybe we have some gentlemen out there who have taken Stiffomycin or one of its derivatives that can shed some light on this situation. Any brave dudes out there want to help us out? We would LOVE to hear from you!

The P90X Exercise Program – Day 1

Ok, seeing as though I’m a slightly chubby Opto-Mom, I’ve decided I am getting in shape! Rather than the stripper pole exercise video that I mentioned in a previous blog, I decided to go with a hardcore workout program: P90X. It is advertised as an “extreme” fitness system. Sure…I can do extreme! Can’t I? You’ll just have to read on and see. Perhaps it was a bad sign that the box it came in felt really heavy to me.

Day One is here, and I’m ready…I’m stoked…I’m pumped to get started and get that “beachbody” they were advertising! There is a little chart in there that tells you what to do on day one, day two, etc. So, I look at Day One, and it reads, “Chest & Back, Ab Ripper X.” What? Two videos on Day One? Isn’t Day One supposed to be like orientation day where you sit around and eat cookies and work out your goals, or something? Guess that’s not “extreme.”

So, I pop in the “Chest & Back” DVD. That sweet fellow on there welcomes me and tells me a little about the video and how he’s going to make me a lean, fit machine. I really feel like he’s talking just to me! What a nice guy! And he’s so buff!

We start the warm-up, and I’m feeling good. I’m really doing it! I’m going to have a beachbody! WooooHoooo! Then we get to the arm circles. You know the ones: you hold your arms straight out to your sides and make little circles. Now, our p.e. coach in elementary school used to make us do these. I hated arm circles then, and I hate them now. I was a very polite child, so I never said anything out loud during this child torture in elementary school. But in my head I was thinking bad things about this coach: big meanie, poopy head, etc. As my vocabulary has expanded into adulthood, I have some other choice names for my current coach, that sweet fellow on the video. But he’s just trying to help me, get me warmed up, so I endure without yelling any ugly epithets at my television.

Ok, we’re done warming up and I’m already sweating. I’m good, though! Let’s get to it! Mr. Sweet Video Guy (MSVG) tells me we’re going to do push ups. So I haul myself down to the floor.

Me: ONE…………
MSVG: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, how are you doing?
Me: {grunt} TWO…………
MSVG: 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, keep it going!
Me: {with slightly quivering arms at this point} THREE………

I actually had to pause the video to complete my set of 10 push ups. MSVG and his band of buff minions had already knocked out 30 before I reached 5! Who are these people???

Then we went on to chin-ups. I don’t have the chin-up bar yet, so I was using resistance bands, the alternative listed in the literature for Hell on Earth, er, I mean P90X. This went pretty well, though I could feel the burn. Then it was back to push ups, military style, this time. UGH!

Again, I’m struggling through these, when Mr. Happy on my video screen cheerfully chirps, “You may need to put your knees on the ground to start out.” WHAT? I had to overcome the urge to reach into my TV and yank Mr. Happy out (assuming I could move my arms at this point) and scream into his face, “Why didn’t you tell me that in the beginning?”

I completed the rest of my set (with knees on the ground) and eventually finished the video. I was especially good at the water break portion of the program. Please, hold your applause. I decided to hold off on the Ab Ripper X until the next day.

The next morning, I woke up to my blasting alarm. Guess I should turn that off. Wait, why isn’t my arm moving? Holy cow, I’m paralyzed from the waist up! I eventually haul myself out of the bed and use one of my dangling appendages to swat at the alarm clock until it stops beeping. I now have a new name for Mr. Sweet Video Guy, aka Mr. Happy. His new name is “Satan,” and this is how I will refer to him from now on.

Now, the video encourages you to drink lots of water. Really? And how, pray tell, am I supposed to lift a water bottle all the way up to my lips? I asked my hubby if he would pour some water into a bowl so I could just lap it up. He scowled at me and left the room. He doesn’t look at the cat like that, and that’s how our kitty drinks his water. I think that’s discrimination of some sort…I’ll have to check with my lawyer.

I’ve also found that I can’t lift a fork. See, that’s the secret of becoming lean and getting a beachbody. They disable your arms so you can’t eat for days at a time. I actually had to drive to work with my knees.

But I’m not giving up! I can do this! I will let you know how Day 2 with Satan goes. Perhaps my daughter can put the DVD into the player for me, as I’m not sure I can lift a DVD at this point. By the way, since my arms are currently impaired beyond use, I’ve typed this entire blog post with my nose, so please forgive any typos!