Swingers, pubic hair, and naked bicycle booties

I would like to preface this post by adamantly insisting that I am not an anti-kid person. I adore the little ankle biters and love being around them. However, it seems reasonable to me to occasionally (like every 20 years or so) want a peaceful, romantic getaway where no kids are allowed. You know, a place where you can relax by the pool or on the beach without hearing this from someone’s kid every 5 freakin’ seconds: “Hey, watch this. Hey! Hey, mom! Hey, watch this. Ok, now watch me do it backwards. Where’s dad? Hey, dad! Watch this!” If I wanted to hear that, I would have stayed at home and been annoyed by my own kid.

I was researching vacations where no kids are allowed. Let me give you some advice…don’t type in “adult only vacation” into your search engine.... Ok, I’ll wait here while you go type it in.

{Whistling}

Yeah, if you search adult only vacation, you will get some info you really didn’t want to know about. Well, maybe some of you want this info…you freaks!

I was really wanting something tropical, like an island, so I tried another search. Now, whatever you do, DO NOT search for “adult exotic vacation.” *Sigh* I’ll wait for you while you go do it. You bastards never listen to me…
 {Jeopardy theme playing here}

Errr, I’m pretty sure I typed in “exotic” and not “erotic,” but I still found lots of swinger’s resorts and clothing optional resorts.

Option #1

Let’s start with the clothing optional resorts. I searched 'til my eyeballs hurt, but I didn’t see anything on the websites about a weight limit at these places. Ummm, perhaps this would be wise for all involved. It seems like it would be hard to get all romantic with your honey when you have people looking like Rosie O’Donnell or John Goodman walking around butt-ass naked. On the other hand, you throw Matthew McConaughey’s fine naked ass on a beach, and I am there, dude!

Oh yeah!  That's what mama likes!
But why is he always wearing pants?

And what about the waitresses and the chefs? Do you want your food to be cooked or served by somebody who is not wearing pants? Just think about what I’m saying for a minute. If you need a hint, listen to this song.

No, seriously this song is funny as shit! Go click on that link!

One of the other things that really bothers me is that they offer complimentary bicycles at the clothing optional resorts. Ewwww, just….ewwww. I don’t think I could even sit naked on a chair some other naked person had sat on, much less put my ass on a bicycle seat that’s been in someone else’s nether regions. GAG!

Option #2

Then there are the swingers’ resorts. From reading the reviews, it sounds like the parties at these places get pretty wild.

Sweet baby Jesus!  WTF is that?

Most of the swingers' resorts are clothing optional as well. Apparently people have nothing against getting it on with strangers in public…at parties, in the stairwell, in the pool.

Wait, in the pool? Now I don’t think I’m a prude, but if a couple of strangers start having sexy times in the pool, I’m outta there. My greatest fear is that something like this would happen:

Can you just imagine the shit floating around in a pool where people have been boppin’ the kitty, putting the salami in the fridge, checking the oil, plowing cheeks, or hiding Herman the one-eyed German? I refuse to swim in a pool where someone is getting waterlogged, if ya know what I mean.

I just wonder what kind of people swing like this? Perhaps foxy twins looking for a foursome?

Someone pour bleach in my eyes - NOW!

Oh, here’s a match for these ladies! Might as well keep it in the family. Inbreeding seems to be a lifestyle choice for these folks.

Who wants to swing with these party boys?

Hey, I'm pretty good at this match-making thing.  I think I'll try to help some more people out there.  In case you're a swinger or are interested in trying it, here are some other potential hook-ups for you and your significant other.

To me, this looks like a great couple to get with!  The guy seems to be up for anything, as shown by his thumbs up and jolly smile.  And the "lady," well...what can I say about her?  The athletic shoes illustrate that she's sporty and fun.  Then you've got the sheer top for a little sexiness, and the pearls and hairdo seem to add a touch of class, don't ya think?

Oh, this would be a fine pair for any potential swingers.  They like to color-coordinate, and they do it so well!  While the lady is dressed so formally, she's showing that she also has a casual side by showing off her shoes she got from Goodwill.  What a great girl!  I'll bet she's a barrel (or 10) of laughs, even though just by looking at her, you would think she's just another pretty face.  And the fellow, well, he's just another pretty face.  Sometimes a woman's gotta have her eye candy.

Snappy dressers - what more do you need?

If you're going for sexy, well...who wouldn't want a piece of this action?  The girl is rocking magenta hair (so hip), and the dude is very sporty with his matching headband.  You can tell that this guy is obsessive about maintaining a healthy lifestyle because he is wearing those stockings that make you look gay prevent blood clots.  I like that he's embraced his feminine side with the go-go boots, but like a real man, he doesn't shave his ass!  That's the best of both worlds right there, folks!

Wow!  I am so freakin' good at finding matches for you guys!  The man in this pic is totally bringing sexy back with that hairdo.  And the dear lady must be the most considerate person in the world.  She has brought a snack for her swinging partners.  She actually has an entire ham in her pants.  Never mind that it's tearing her best pair of sexy pants...she will sacrifice for you!  What a gal!

Well, my darlings, that's all I have for you today.  Please let me know if you're interested in doing the whole orgy swinging thing with any of these couples.  Next time, I think I will try to help some of you single dudes and ladies with more of my matchmaking skills.  It's ok!  No need to grovel with adoration and gratitude.  Please...you're making me blush!

Viagra and friends

Ok, boys and girls! It’s time to discuss all of those Viagra and Cialis commercials that we have to endure anytime we turn on our televisions. When you hear that soft music and the words, “It can happen at any moment….” you know what’s next. Buckle up....it's gonna be a long one! (Pun intended)

Let’s talk about the music first. Couldn’t they come up with something a little better than that generic instrumental crap? I think a more appropriate choice would be “Let’s Get It On,” by the great Marvin Gaye. Or how about, “Let’s Get Physical,” by Olivia Newton John? If you’re going for subtlety, then perhaps Akon’s “Smack That” would be a good option. The Pointer Sister’s “Slow Hand” might work, but don’t be too slow, mister; ya don’t want that Viagra to run out before you finish your business! “(I’m Bringing) SexyBack” by Justin Timberlake seems especially descriptive, but I think my favorite may be “Sexual Healing,” by Marvin Gaye. I mean, isn’t that the whole purpose of Viagra and Cialis?

Ok, enough with the music selections already. Let’s get to the meat of the issue (another pun – I said “meat” – hee hee). The voiceovers in these commercials are just way too bland. Can’t they get someone with a voice like Barry White to do the voiceover? I personally think it would be ultra sexy with Sean Connery doing the voice. “Take this medicine and get your damn pecker working again, lad!” Oh yeah! That’s hot right there!

Anyway, here is a partial transcript of one of the commercials (we’ll call it Stiffomycin, for the purposes of this blog) – interspersed with my expert comments, of course:

How do you know when the moment is right?
Ummmm, here's a hint: it's called half-time.

It can happen at any time.
Well, apparently “it” can’t or you wouldn’t need this medication. I'm just saying….

There are two dosing options: 36 hour Stiffomycin or Stiffomycin for daily use.
Daily? You go, boy!!!

Don’t drink alcohol while taking Stiffomycin.
Isn’t that when you need it most?

Side effects may include headache, upset stomach, backache, and muscle aches.
Wow! Nothing puts a woman in the mood more than her man puking and whining about his back.

Seek immediate medical help for an erection lasting more than 4 hours.
Four hours? Really? What man is going to complain about a 4 hour erection? Or for that matter, what woman would complain about it?

If you have any sudden decrease in vision or hearing, stop taking Stiffomycin and call your doctor right away.
Maybe this is actually how the medication is supposed to work. It blinds the man so he doesn’t have to see his wife’s wrinkles and/or fat rolls. Then it deafens him so he can’t hear her nagging. And VIOLA!!! Instant erection!

My other beef (there I go with the puns again!) with these commercials is the behavior of the men/actors. Are we really supposed to believe that having our man take a little pill will totally alter his behavior? Now seriously, how often does your man dance with you in the kitchen or take a bath with you in a big claw-foot tub beside a river? Most of us are lucky just to get him to put down the remote during sex. Maybe we have some gentlemen out there who have taken Stiffomycin or one of its derivatives that can shed some light on this situation. Any brave dudes out there want to help us out? We would LOVE to hear from you!