I’ve found a new site that tells about the bills and resolutions the U.S. Congress has been considering and passing. Some of this stuff is just downright crazy! Take a look at the "important" work these folks have been doing.
Resolution supporting goals and ideals of National Stuttering Awareness Week – Sen. Ted Kaufman, D-DE
Umm, I think if you stutter, you’re probably already aware of it, and there’s no need to dedicate a whole week to this cause. Furthermore, if you have a stuttering problem, do you really want attention brought to it? Hell, let’s dedicate a whole week to people who poop their pants. We don’t want to leave out anyone who may have embarrassing habits. No sir, let’s point them all out to the entire country! Th-th-thank you very m-m-much!
Congratulating Phil Mickelson on winning the 2010 Masters golf tournament – Rep. Paul Brown, R-GA
Well, that’s just dandy, but does Congress really have to draw up a resolution and waste time voting on it just to say “Congratulations, Phil! Way to go, big guy!”
Honoring Robert Kelly Slater for his outstanding and unprecedented achievement in the world of surfing - Rep. Bill Posey, R-FL
Whoa, dude! That is so gnarly! NOT!
A resolution supporting and recognizing the goals and ideals of RV Centennial Celebration Month to commemorate 100 years of recreation vehicles in the U.S. - Sen. Evan Bayh, D-IN
And then Congress could all stand up and sing “Holiday Road” from the National Lampoon’s Family Vacation movie. Do you think they would show that on C-SPAN?
A resolution to recognize the Dyke Marsh Wildlife Preserve as a unique and precious ecosystem. - Sen. Jim Webb, D-VA
I have trouble taking seriously any bill or resolution that contains the word “precious.”
Supporting the goals and ideals of American Craft Beer Week – Rep. Betsy Markey, D-CO
What exactly are the “goals and ideals” associated with beer? I think, perhaps, some of our Representatives have met and exceeded all of their beer goals. I also have trouble taking seriously anyone named “Betsy,” unless she's sewing flags.
A resolution supporting the goals and ideals of World Water Day. - Sen. John Kerry, D-MA
I like water just as much as the next person, but I think this is just an excuse for the Senators to take a day off for a giant swim party. This is actually a great idea because that would be one less day they are meeting to discuss inane proposals like this!
A resolution designating May 2010 as "National X and Y Chromosomal Variations Awareness Month". Sen. Samuel Brownback, R-KS
I just don't know what to say about this, except that I bet this guy could put a group of hummingbirds on crack to sleep.
A resolution expressing support for designation of March as “National Whole Child Month.” Sen. Kay Hagan, D-NC
Which month is "National Half Child Month?" I think that those who have children would agree that half a child would be a lot less expensive. Just think: only half the clothes and shoes to buy!
A bill supporting the goals and ideals of the Year of the Lung 2010. Sen. Blanche Lincoln, D-AR
I'm personally a fan of Year of the Gall Bladder. I find it much more exciting because of all the bile. Perhaps Congress can designate a Year of the Brain. I think they need it!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Kids these days!
I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m going to gripe about kids these days. Yes, like the “old people” used to do when we were kids. I’ll do my best not to use the word “whippersnapper” or any other senior citizen terminology.
I recently read that in some school districts, the administrations have banned teachers from using red pens to correct their students’ papers. It seems that they don’t want to scare the children with that very frightening red ink. “It just seems too harsh,” said one administrator. “We prefer a more soothing color like purple.” What kind of pansies are we raising when a particular color of ink causes a child to need psychotherapy?
They are also banning the act of taking off points if the child forgets to put his or her name on their paper. You’ve gotta be kidding me! They wouldn’t have lasted 1 day with our teachers. I can’t tell you how many times we heard, “If it doesn’t have your name, how will I know whose paper it is?” I guess in these touchy-feely schools everyone just gets the same grade, so it doesn’t matter if your name is on it or not.
Speaking of grades, there are actually schools out there that don’t even give grades. They feel that grades inhibit the learning process. What a load of crap! How do you know who the dumb kids are if you don’t have any grades? (I know, that was just wrong!) These are the same schools that encourage children to play chess, arrange flowers, or practice yoga instead of focusing on reading, math, and science. Yeah, yoga and chess will really help you in your college classes and/or in the real world. And people wonder why the Japanese children outperform American kids in math and science scores. But I’ll bet our kids could kick their butts in flower arranging! I’m not so sure about the yoga and chess…
What’s going to happen when these whippersnappers (sorry, it slipped out!) get a job and have a performance review? They’ve never had anyone tell them that they aren’t perfect before. They’ve never had their papers corrected (with a RED pen!) or had the responsibility of simply writing their names on their papers.
I can just see it now…
Boss: I need you to get that report done this morning.
Whiney employee: But I usually do yoga from 9:45 to 10:15 and follow up with a rousing game of chess.
Boss: Uhhhh…you’re fired.
Then the whiner will most likely file a lawsuit alleging discrimination against pansy asses.
I have actually known parents who go to the school because their child’s teacher is too strict. “She wants everything done this way, and if they don’t do it, they get points taken off.” Well, duhhhh, just tell your kid to do it the proper way and everything will be fine. Now was that so hard? I see nothing wrong with teaching someone the proper way to do something, and then expecting them to do it. That’s why it’s called “teaching.” That’s what they used to do in schools. Remember those days?
Now to be fair, I love my daughter’s school and teachers and think they do a great job! When my daughter gripes about having to do something at school, I do not rush up there and make them change their policy because my little precious (and she really is precious!) wants to do it another way. I just tell her to suck it up and do what she’s told. Because that’s how I roll!
I recently read that in some school districts, the administrations have banned teachers from using red pens to correct their students’ papers. It seems that they don’t want to scare the children with that very frightening red ink. “It just seems too harsh,” said one administrator. “We prefer a more soothing color like purple.” What kind of pansies are we raising when a particular color of ink causes a child to need psychotherapy?
They are also banning the act of taking off points if the child forgets to put his or her name on their paper. You’ve gotta be kidding me! They wouldn’t have lasted 1 day with our teachers. I can’t tell you how many times we heard, “If it doesn’t have your name, how will I know whose paper it is?” I guess in these touchy-feely schools everyone just gets the same grade, so it doesn’t matter if your name is on it or not.
Speaking of grades, there are actually schools out there that don’t even give grades. They feel that grades inhibit the learning process. What a load of crap! How do you know who the dumb kids are if you don’t have any grades? (I know, that was just wrong!) These are the same schools that encourage children to play chess, arrange flowers, or practice yoga instead of focusing on reading, math, and science. Yeah, yoga and chess will really help you in your college classes and/or in the real world. And people wonder why the Japanese children outperform American kids in math and science scores. But I’ll bet our kids could kick their butts in flower arranging! I’m not so sure about the yoga and chess…
What’s going to happen when these whippersnappers (sorry, it slipped out!) get a job and have a performance review? They’ve never had anyone tell them that they aren’t perfect before. They’ve never had their papers corrected (with a RED pen!) or had the responsibility of simply writing their names on their papers.
I can just see it now…
Boss: I need you to get that report done this morning.
Whiney employee: But I usually do yoga from 9:45 to 10:15 and follow up with a rousing game of chess.
Boss: Uhhhh…you’re fired.
Then the whiner will most likely file a lawsuit alleging discrimination against pansy asses.
I have actually known parents who go to the school because their child’s teacher is too strict. “She wants everything done this way, and if they don’t do it, they get points taken off.” Well, duhhhh, just tell your kid to do it the proper way and everything will be fine. Now was that so hard? I see nothing wrong with teaching someone the proper way to do something, and then expecting them to do it. That’s why it’s called “teaching.” That’s what they used to do in schools. Remember those days?
Now to be fair, I love my daughter’s school and teachers and think they do a great job! When my daughter gripes about having to do something at school, I do not rush up there and make them change their policy because my little precious (and she really is precious!) wants to do it another way. I just tell her to suck it up and do what she’s told. Because that’s how I roll!
Friday, May 14, 2010
YOU HAVE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER!
I was propped up in the bed reading last night, when the phone rang. I answered and the gentleman asked for Donna. I told him that I thought he had the wrong number, because there is no one here by that name. End of story, right?
Oh, not even CLOSE! He then asked if I was Donna. "No," I told him politely, "I'm not Donna." Well, this just seemed to confuse the poor man to no end! I hear him whispering to someone on his end about how I say I'm not Donna. I guess he needed advice on how to handle such a dire situation.
Normally, I would have hung up at this point, but I was feeling a little frisky, so I decided to see where this was going to go. I wasn't going to get any sleep any time soon because my daughter, who is all knees and elbows at this point in her life, was in the bed with me. Sleeping with her is like trying to sleep with a set of overactive nunchucks in the bed. There are lots of random thunks and smacks administered to my head and body when she is sleeping with me.
Anyway, the genius on the other end of the phone asks if I can get Donna for him. I (again) reply that there is no one here named Donna. Again with the confusion and the whispering to someone on his end of the line.
Then his lady friend gets on the phone.
Lady friend: Can I talk to Donna?
Me: There is no one here by that name.
Lady friend: You're not Donna?
Me: I don't think so, but I could go check my driver's license to make sure.
Lady friend: No, that's ok. But Donna's really not there?
Me: {suppressing giggles at this point} No. I could take a polygraph, if that's what you require.
Lady friend: Oh. Uhhhhh.....well, can you tell her to call Tisha when she gets back?
Me: Sure, no problem!
So, Donna, if you're reading this, please call Tisha.
Oh, not even CLOSE! He then asked if I was Donna. "No," I told him politely, "I'm not Donna." Well, this just seemed to confuse the poor man to no end! I hear him whispering to someone on his end about how I say I'm not Donna. I guess he needed advice on how to handle such a dire situation.
Normally, I would have hung up at this point, but I was feeling a little frisky, so I decided to see where this was going to go. I wasn't going to get any sleep any time soon because my daughter, who is all knees and elbows at this point in her life, was in the bed with me. Sleeping with her is like trying to sleep with a set of overactive nunchucks in the bed. There are lots of random thunks and smacks administered to my head and body when she is sleeping with me.
Anyway, the genius on the other end of the phone asks if I can get Donna for him. I (again) reply that there is no one here named Donna. Again with the confusion and the whispering to someone on his end of the line.
Then his lady friend gets on the phone.
Lady friend: Can I talk to Donna?
Me: There is no one here by that name.
Lady friend: You're not Donna?
Me: I don't think so, but I could go check my driver's license to make sure.
Lady friend: No, that's ok. But Donna's really not there?
Me: {suppressing giggles at this point} No. I could take a polygraph, if that's what you require.
Lady friend: Oh. Uhhhhh.....well, can you tell her to call Tisha when she gets back?
Me: Sure, no problem!
So, Donna, if you're reading this, please call Tisha.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Days 2 and 3 of the P90X Saga
In my previous blog, I recounted the trials and tribulations of Day 1 (chest and back) in the P90X exercise program. Now that I have regained partial use of my arms, I thought I would let you know about Days 2 and 3. On Day 2, I did the Ab Ripper X workout.
I have cleverly deduced the reason they call it Ab Ripper X. It is because, after completing this little jewel, you will want to reach down your own throat and rip out your abdominal muscles. Yes, this is a fun one, boys and girls! Satan (the dude from the video) has concluded that I must be punished for some past misdeed, and he has taken it out on my abs.
My husband and my 8-year-old daughter (Miss Smarty Pants) joined me in this celebration of abdominal torture, and it made me feel a little better that I heard several grunts of pain from my husband. I know, that’s mean, but WHATEVER! What did NOT make me feel better was Miss Smarty Pants and her little comments, “Wow! This is easy!” “I did all 25 reps without stopping!” And my personal favorite, “Daddy, why is Mommy crying?”
At this point, I’m thinking that water-boarding doesn’t sound so bad! Perhaps they could force captured terrorists to perform Ab Ripper X. “You wanna blow up stuff in our country? Well, buddy, another hour of this might make you think twice before messing with us!” I think it could be quite effective in deterring terrorism. Mainly because they won’t be able to sit up straight long enough to fly a plane or drive a truck. Hell, I can’t even put on my own socks after doing this DVD!
Now that I've solved the terrorism problem in our country (you're welcome!), let’s talk about Day 3, shall we? This DVD is known as “Plyometrics.” Sounds innocuous enough, right? Maybe we’ll do some geometry or study the metric system. Not my idea of a good time, but hey, I could suffer through it.
Well, folks, the other term for plyometrics has nothing to do with mathematics. Nope! It’s also known as “jump training.” Uh oh! It basically consists of an entire hour of jumping, leaping, lungeing and twisting. I had to go get my ShamWOW to clean up all of the sweat pouring out of my body! There were three 30 second water breaks (that’s 90 seconds out of an hour!), during which I drank about 2 ½ gallons of water.
At this point, I am thinking that I would rather be interrogated by Jack Bauer than EVER do plyometrics again. My legs and butts are still quivering, causing me to stagger around like a drunken sailor. I got stuck on the toilet for an hour earlier because I couldn’t stand up. I guess I’m going to have to get some of those handicapped bars installed in my bathroom.
But I shall press on! If I am in this much pain, it must be working, right? In the meantime, can someone come over here and put my socks on for me? I’ll be waiting on the toilet. Thanks!
I have cleverly deduced the reason they call it Ab Ripper X. It is because, after completing this little jewel, you will want to reach down your own throat and rip out your abdominal muscles. Yes, this is a fun one, boys and girls! Satan (the dude from the video) has concluded that I must be punished for some past misdeed, and he has taken it out on my abs.
My husband and my 8-year-old daughter (Miss Smarty Pants) joined me in this celebration of abdominal torture, and it made me feel a little better that I heard several grunts of pain from my husband. I know, that’s mean, but WHATEVER! What did NOT make me feel better was Miss Smarty Pants and her little comments, “Wow! This is easy!” “I did all 25 reps without stopping!” And my personal favorite, “Daddy, why is Mommy crying?”
At this point, I’m thinking that water-boarding doesn’t sound so bad! Perhaps they could force captured terrorists to perform Ab Ripper X. “You wanna blow up stuff in our country? Well, buddy, another hour of this might make you think twice before messing with us!” I think it could be quite effective in deterring terrorism. Mainly because they won’t be able to sit up straight long enough to fly a plane or drive a truck. Hell, I can’t even put on my own socks after doing this DVD!
Now that I've solved the terrorism problem in our country (you're welcome!), let’s talk about Day 3, shall we? This DVD is known as “Plyometrics.” Sounds innocuous enough, right? Maybe we’ll do some geometry or study the metric system. Not my idea of a good time, but hey, I could suffer through it.
Well, folks, the other term for plyometrics has nothing to do with mathematics. Nope! It’s also known as “jump training.” Uh oh! It basically consists of an entire hour of jumping, leaping, lungeing and twisting. I had to go get my ShamWOW to clean up all of the sweat pouring out of my body! There were three 30 second water breaks (that’s 90 seconds out of an hour!), during which I drank about 2 ½ gallons of water.
At this point, I am thinking that I would rather be interrogated by Jack Bauer than EVER do plyometrics again. My legs and butts are still quivering, causing me to stagger around like a drunken sailor. I got stuck on the toilet for an hour earlier because I couldn’t stand up. I guess I’m going to have to get some of those handicapped bars installed in my bathroom.
But I shall press on! If I am in this much pain, it must be working, right? In the meantime, can someone come over here and put my socks on for me? I’ll be waiting on the toilet. Thanks!
Monday, May 10, 2010
The P90X Exercise Program – Day 1
Ok, seeing as though I’m a slightly chubby Opto-Mom, I’ve decided I am getting in shape! Rather than the stripper pole exercise video that I mentioned in a previous blog, I decided to go with a hardcore workout program: P90X. It is advertised as an “extreme” fitness system. Sure…I can do extreme! Can’t I? You’ll just have to read on and see. Perhaps it was a bad sign that the box it came in felt really heavy to me.
Day One is here, and I’m ready…I’m stoked…I’m pumped to get started and get that “beachbody” they were advertising! There is a little chart in there that tells you what to do on day one, day two, etc. So, I look at Day One, and it reads, “Chest & Back, Ab Ripper X.” What? Two videos on Day One? Isn’t Day One supposed to be like orientation day where you sit around and eat cookies and work out your goals, or something? Guess that’s not “extreme.”
So, I pop in the “Chest & Back” DVD. That sweet fellow on there welcomes me and tells me a little about the video and how he’s going to make me a lean, fit machine. I really feel like he’s talking just to me! What a nice guy! And he’s so buff!
We start the warm-up, and I’m feeling good. I’m really doing it! I’m going to have a beachbody! WooooHoooo! Then we get to the arm circles. You know the ones: you hold your arms straight out to your sides and make little circles. Now, our p.e. coach in elementary school used to make us do these. I hated arm circles then, and I hate them now. I was a very polite child, so I never said anything out loud during this child torture in elementary school. But in my head I was thinking bad things about this coach: big meanie, poopy head, etc. As my vocabulary has expanded into adulthood, I have some other choice names for my current coach, that sweet fellow on the video. But he’s just trying to help me, get me warmed up, so I endure without yelling any ugly epithets at my television.
Ok, we’re done warming up and I’m already sweating. I’m good, though! Let’s get to it! Mr. Sweet Video Guy (MSVG) tells me we’re going to do push ups. So I haul myself down to the floor.
Me: ONE…………
MSVG: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, how are you doing?
Me: {grunt} TWO…………
MSVG: 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, keep it going!
Me: {with slightly quivering arms at this point} THREE………
I actually had to pause the video to complete my set of 10 push ups. MSVG and his band of buff minions had already knocked out 30 before I reached 5! Who are these people???
Then we went on to chin-ups. I don’t have the chin-up bar yet, so I was using resistance bands, the alternative listed in the literature for Hell on Earth, er, I mean P90X. This went pretty well, though I could feel the burn. Then it was back to push ups, military style, this time. UGH!
Again, I’m struggling through these, when Mr. Happy on my video screen cheerfully chirps, “You may need to put your knees on the ground to start out.” WHAT? I had to overcome the urge to reach into my TV and yank Mr. Happy out (assuming I could move my arms at this point) and scream into his face, “Why didn’t you tell me that in the beginning?”
I completed the rest of my set (with knees on the ground) and eventually finished the video. I was especially good at the water break portion of the program. Please, hold your applause. I decided to hold off on the Ab Ripper X until the next day.
The next morning, I woke up to my blasting alarm. Guess I should turn that off. Wait, why isn’t my arm moving? Holy cow, I’m paralyzed from the waist up! I eventually haul myself out of the bed and use one of my dangling appendages to swat at the alarm clock until it stops beeping. I now have a new name for Mr. Sweet Video Guy, aka Mr. Happy. His new name is “Satan,” and this is how I will refer to him from now on.
Now, the video encourages you to drink lots of water. Really? And how, pray tell, am I supposed to lift a water bottle all the way up to my lips? I asked my hubby if he would pour some water into a bowl so I could just lap it up. He scowled at me and left the room. He doesn’t look at the cat like that, and that’s how our kitty drinks his water. I think that’s discrimination of some sort…I’ll have to check with my lawyer.
I’ve also found that I can’t lift a fork. See, that’s the secret of becoming lean and getting a beachbody. They disable your arms so you can’t eat for days at a time. I actually had to drive to work with my knees.
But I’m not giving up! I can do this! I will let you know how Day 2 with Satan goes. Perhaps my daughter can put the DVD into the player for me, as I’m not sure I can lift a DVD at this point. By the way, since my arms are currently impaired beyond use, I’ve typed this entire blog post with my nose, so please forgive any typos!
Day One is here, and I’m ready…I’m stoked…I’m pumped to get started and get that “beachbody” they were advertising! There is a little chart in there that tells you what to do on day one, day two, etc. So, I look at Day One, and it reads, “Chest & Back, Ab Ripper X.” What? Two videos on Day One? Isn’t Day One supposed to be like orientation day where you sit around and eat cookies and work out your goals, or something? Guess that’s not “extreme.”
So, I pop in the “Chest & Back” DVD. That sweet fellow on there welcomes me and tells me a little about the video and how he’s going to make me a lean, fit machine. I really feel like he’s talking just to me! What a nice guy! And he’s so buff!
We start the warm-up, and I’m feeling good. I’m really doing it! I’m going to have a beachbody! WooooHoooo! Then we get to the arm circles. You know the ones: you hold your arms straight out to your sides and make little circles. Now, our p.e. coach in elementary school used to make us do these. I hated arm circles then, and I hate them now. I was a very polite child, so I never said anything out loud during this child torture in elementary school. But in my head I was thinking bad things about this coach: big meanie, poopy head, etc. As my vocabulary has expanded into adulthood, I have some other choice names for my current coach, that sweet fellow on the video. But he’s just trying to help me, get me warmed up, so I endure without yelling any ugly epithets at my television.
Ok, we’re done warming up and I’m already sweating. I’m good, though! Let’s get to it! Mr. Sweet Video Guy (MSVG) tells me we’re going to do push ups. So I haul myself down to the floor.
Me: ONE…………
MSVG: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, how are you doing?
Me: {grunt} TWO…………
MSVG: 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, keep it going!
Me: {with slightly quivering arms at this point} THREE………
I actually had to pause the video to complete my set of 10 push ups. MSVG and his band of buff minions had already knocked out 30 before I reached 5! Who are these people???
Then we went on to chin-ups. I don’t have the chin-up bar yet, so I was using resistance bands, the alternative listed in the literature for Hell on Earth, er, I mean P90X. This went pretty well, though I could feel the burn. Then it was back to push ups, military style, this time. UGH!
Again, I’m struggling through these, when Mr. Happy on my video screen cheerfully chirps, “You may need to put your knees on the ground to start out.” WHAT? I had to overcome the urge to reach into my TV and yank Mr. Happy out (assuming I could move my arms at this point) and scream into his face, “Why didn’t you tell me that in the beginning?”
I completed the rest of my set (with knees on the ground) and eventually finished the video. I was especially good at the water break portion of the program. Please, hold your applause. I decided to hold off on the Ab Ripper X until the next day.
The next morning, I woke up to my blasting alarm. Guess I should turn that off. Wait, why isn’t my arm moving? Holy cow, I’m paralyzed from the waist up! I eventually haul myself out of the bed and use one of my dangling appendages to swat at the alarm clock until it stops beeping. I now have a new name for Mr. Sweet Video Guy, aka Mr. Happy. His new name is “Satan,” and this is how I will refer to him from now on.
Now, the video encourages you to drink lots of water. Really? And how, pray tell, am I supposed to lift a water bottle all the way up to my lips? I asked my hubby if he would pour some water into a bowl so I could just lap it up. He scowled at me and left the room. He doesn’t look at the cat like that, and that’s how our kitty drinks his water. I think that’s discrimination of some sort…I’ll have to check with my lawyer.
I’ve also found that I can’t lift a fork. See, that’s the secret of becoming lean and getting a beachbody. They disable your arms so you can’t eat for days at a time. I actually had to drive to work with my knees.
But I’m not giving up! I can do this! I will let you know how Day 2 with Satan goes. Perhaps my daughter can put the DVD into the player for me, as I’m not sure I can lift a DVD at this point. By the way, since my arms are currently impaired beyond use, I’ve typed this entire blog post with my nose, so please forgive any typos!
Friday, May 7, 2010
Mother's Day Flowers - online
By request, I am talking about online flower ordering today. It’s almost Mother’s Day, and we are inundated daily with flower commercials on the TV, radio, and online. You know the ones: You are offered a beautiful arrangement for only $29.99…that’s right, only $29.99! Order today, and you get a free vase!
Huh? Wait a minute. A free VASE? That seems kind of like going to the grocery store and seeing a sign that says, “Buy milk today and it comes in a free carton!” Or going to the Sonic to get a drink and they advertise their free styrofoam cups with a drink purchase. Ooooh, what a deal! What were you going to do, just pour it in my hand? I bought some laundry detergent the other day, and it came in a free box! I felt like I had won the lottery (NOT!).
Now, I have some experience in the flower biz. My mom was a florist for almost 25 years, so I practically grew up in flower shops. Unless you ordered a bouquet wrapped in paper, the flowers always came in some type of vase. This is called an arrangement, and the vase is part of it. It’s not like the online flower store is offering ancient Greek etched vases or Tiffany vases. They are just your common, everyday variety in clear, pink, or green glass.
Ok, enough about the vases. So, you think you’re getting a good deal for $29.99, right? Well, let’s just check out and see. I definitely expected a delivery charge. That seems reasonable to me. Of course they don’t tell you the delivery charge until after you’ve entered your name, address, social security number, shoe size, hair color, results of your last pelvic exam, credit card info (including that little 3 digit number on the back…don’t forget that!), the recipient’s name, address, phone number, dog’s name, and the e-mail addresses of everyone in your family. And don’t leave any blanks or all manner of red letters and asterisks will pop up on your screen telling you that you can’t continue until you enter the name of your health insurance provider, or some other such nonsense.
So you finally get to the payment screen, and realize that you’ve missed the deadline for the free vase. Apparently, you had to make your purchase before midnight, Sri Lankan Standard Time. So, they just add $9.99 to your order for the vase. {sigh} Then you see that the delivery charge is $14.99. Well, ok. After all, they are delivering it right to her door! So you click purchase. This is the point where they add on the “rural delivery fee,” which is an additional $14.99. This is for anyone who lives in a city with less than 8 million people.
Then you get a little pop-up asking if you want to include a Mother’s Day card with your order. Well, of course I do! That will save me a trip to Wal-Mart and the post office, right? Check the yes button, and they add another $9.99 for the card. Where the h*#$ do these people buy their cards? For $9.99, it better be one of those cards that sings. Heck, for $9.99 it better dance too!
So, our grand total for a small arrangement of flowers (advertised at $29.99) with a card is $79.95! But by the time I’d finished filling out all the forms, it was too late to go out and buy anything. Ok, that’s not true. I just really, really wanted that free Farmville Cash. For those of you who don't farm on facebook, Farmville was offering 100 free FV cash with your online flower order. You know I had to have those new adobe cottages. I simply adore adobe! It’s fun to say, too. Come on, say it with me: “ADOBE!” Hey, wasn’t that a blast?
Now, where was I? Oh yes, Mother's Day flowers. In hindsight, perhaps it would be best to just run down to your local flower shop and order a lovely arrangement (in a vase) and save almost 50 bucks! Then you would have money left over to buy mom some earrings or perfume. Or just forget the flowers and buy her one of those new e-readers. I sure do love those new e-readers. E-readers are awesome, so I've heard. I wouldn't know from personal experience, since I don't have one. But an e-reader would be a perfect gift for the mom who loves to read. Anyone smell a hint floating around here?
Happy Mother's Day to everyone! Hope you get lots of love (and maybe an e-reader).
Huh? Wait a minute. A free VASE? That seems kind of like going to the grocery store and seeing a sign that says, “Buy milk today and it comes in a free carton!” Or going to the Sonic to get a drink and they advertise their free styrofoam cups with a drink purchase. Ooooh, what a deal! What were you going to do, just pour it in my hand? I bought some laundry detergent the other day, and it came in a free box! I felt like I had won the lottery (NOT!).
Now, I have some experience in the flower biz. My mom was a florist for almost 25 years, so I practically grew up in flower shops. Unless you ordered a bouquet wrapped in paper, the flowers always came in some type of vase. This is called an arrangement, and the vase is part of it. It’s not like the online flower store is offering ancient Greek etched vases or Tiffany vases. They are just your common, everyday variety in clear, pink, or green glass.
Ok, enough about the vases. So, you think you’re getting a good deal for $29.99, right? Well, let’s just check out and see. I definitely expected a delivery charge. That seems reasonable to me. Of course they don’t tell you the delivery charge until after you’ve entered your name, address, social security number, shoe size, hair color, results of your last pelvic exam, credit card info (including that little 3 digit number on the back…don’t forget that!), the recipient’s name, address, phone number, dog’s name, and the e-mail addresses of everyone in your family. And don’t leave any blanks or all manner of red letters and asterisks will pop up on your screen telling you that you can’t continue until you enter the name of your health insurance provider, or some other such nonsense.
So you finally get to the payment screen, and realize that you’ve missed the deadline for the free vase. Apparently, you had to make your purchase before midnight, Sri Lankan Standard Time. So, they just add $9.99 to your order for the vase. {sigh} Then you see that the delivery charge is $14.99. Well, ok. After all, they are delivering it right to her door! So you click purchase. This is the point where they add on the “rural delivery fee,” which is an additional $14.99. This is for anyone who lives in a city with less than 8 million people.
Then you get a little pop-up asking if you want to include a Mother’s Day card with your order. Well, of course I do! That will save me a trip to Wal-Mart and the post office, right? Check the yes button, and they add another $9.99 for the card. Where the h*#$ do these people buy their cards? For $9.99, it better be one of those cards that sings. Heck, for $9.99 it better dance too!
So, our grand total for a small arrangement of flowers (advertised at $29.99) with a card is $79.95! But by the time I’d finished filling out all the forms, it was too late to go out and buy anything. Ok, that’s not true. I just really, really wanted that free Farmville Cash. For those of you who don't farm on facebook, Farmville was offering 100 free FV cash with your online flower order. You know I had to have those new adobe cottages. I simply adore adobe! It’s fun to say, too. Come on, say it with me: “ADOBE!” Hey, wasn’t that a blast?
Now, where was I? Oh yes, Mother's Day flowers. In hindsight, perhaps it would be best to just run down to your local flower shop and order a lovely arrangement (in a vase) and save almost 50 bucks! Then you would have money left over to buy mom some earrings or perfume. Or just forget the flowers and buy her one of those new e-readers. I sure do love those new e-readers. E-readers are awesome, so I've heard. I wouldn't know from personal experience, since I don't have one. But an e-reader would be a perfect gift for the mom who loves to read. Anyone smell a hint floating around here?
Happy Mother's Day to everyone! Hope you get lots of love (and maybe an e-reader).
Thursday, May 6, 2010
The Commercial
One evening I was watching TV with my 8-year-old daughter, the aforementioned Miss Smarty Pants (MSP), for those of you that have been following along with my blogs. It was late on a Friday night, and we were enjoying some quality time as fellow couch potatoes, watching old sitcoms. During the commercial break a pleasant voice came out of my TV. It said, “Are you tired of carrying around that extra weight?”
Me: “YES!”
TV Person: “Is it hard for you to get to the gym for expensive and time-consuming training or aerobic classes?”
Me: “Duh!”
TV Person: “Do you enjoy dancing?”
Me: “Yeah, baby! I love to shake my tailfeathers!”
TV Person: “Well, this is the workout video for you.”
Me: “Yippee!”
TV Person: “Try our fun and effective pole dancing instructional DVD! Lose weight while learning the most sexy and exotic moves we could find!” {Video of scantily-clad ladies grinding on chairs and spinning on poles accompanied the voice at this point.}
Me: {Shit, shit, shit! Fumbling for the remote and speaking in an extremely loud voice…} “SO HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?”
I finally got the channel changed after a seemingly endless 10 seconds of more spinning, bumping and grinding. I was shocked that they would show this commercial on anything other than the Spice Channel, but thought that maybe I had distracted MSP with my quick-thinking and witty conversation.
No such luck! The next day, we were in a very crowded restaurant when MSP piped up (in that really loud voice kids use when they are saying something inappropriate), “Hey, Mom. Remember that lady dancing on that pole last night? That was funny!”
Oh, dear Lord! Now everyone was looking at me like I had drowned a puppy or something, which I guess is normal if they have reason to believe you've been chillaxin' at the local strip joint with your small child. Why, oh why didn’t I have my finger on the power button in case some semi-porn popped up on TV Land? Well, perhaps because I wasn’t expecting to see strippers during a commercial break while watching Full House. Who would’ve thought???
Somehow we made it through the rest of lunch without anyone calling Child Protective Services, but I’ve learned my lesson now. I always keep the remote control in my hand at all times when my daughter is in the room.
And while we’re on the subject, what is up with all of the commercials touting Cialis and Viagra? And they show those during prime time, not just on late night TV! Exactly how do you explain erectile dysfunction to an 8-year-old? I think I’ll discuss Cialis and Viagra in a later blog, so tune in….you don’t wanna miss it!
Update: I have suffered a broken leg and a concussion due to my new pole dancing, errr…… I mean, workout video. But I can still type, so my blogging will not be affected!
Me: “YES!”
TV Person: “Is it hard for you to get to the gym for expensive and time-consuming training or aerobic classes?”
Me: “Duh!”
TV Person: “Do you enjoy dancing?”
Me: “Yeah, baby! I love to shake my tailfeathers!”
TV Person: “Well, this is the workout video for you.”
Me: “Yippee!”
TV Person: “Try our fun and effective pole dancing instructional DVD! Lose weight while learning the most sexy and exotic moves we could find!” {Video of scantily-clad ladies grinding on chairs and spinning on poles accompanied the voice at this point.}
Me: {Shit, shit, shit! Fumbling for the remote and speaking in an extremely loud voice…} “SO HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?”
I finally got the channel changed after a seemingly endless 10 seconds of more spinning, bumping and grinding. I was shocked that they would show this commercial on anything other than the Spice Channel, but thought that maybe I had distracted MSP with my quick-thinking and witty conversation.
No such luck! The next day, we were in a very crowded restaurant when MSP piped up (in that really loud voice kids use when they are saying something inappropriate), “Hey, Mom. Remember that lady dancing on that pole last night? That was funny!”
Oh, dear Lord! Now everyone was looking at me like I had drowned a puppy or something, which I guess is normal if they have reason to believe you've been chillaxin' at the local strip joint with your small child. Why, oh why didn’t I have my finger on the power button in case some semi-porn popped up on TV Land? Well, perhaps because I wasn’t expecting to see strippers during a commercial break while watching Full House. Who would’ve thought???
Somehow we made it through the rest of lunch without anyone calling Child Protective Services, but I’ve learned my lesson now. I always keep the remote control in my hand at all times when my daughter is in the room.
And while we’re on the subject, what is up with all of the commercials touting Cialis and Viagra? And they show those during prime time, not just on late night TV! Exactly how do you explain erectile dysfunction to an 8-year-old? I think I’ll discuss Cialis and Viagra in a later blog, so tune in….you don’t wanna miss it!
Update: I have suffered a broken leg and a concussion due to my new pole dancing, errr…… I mean, workout video. But I can still type, so my blogging will not be affected!
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