Happy Hallow-Christma-Giving

I’m so confused. (Yeah, there’s a shocker.)


Is it Christmas already? Did I sleep through Halloween and Thanksgiving, or did we just skip all that shit and go straight to the Ho Ho Ho Season?


Oh, it’s Halloween today? Well, ya could knock me over with a feather, because I went to The Wal-Mart looking for some Halloween stuff, and thought I had stepped into a Winter-fucking-Wonderland.


There were Christmas dresses and wreaths and lights and various holiday doo-dads all over the place. And hidden behind a lovely selection of Hickory Farms Holiday meat baskets, I finally found 2 bags of low-budget Halloween candy (you know, the kind with mostly those crappy-tasting jawbreakers?), a Superman cape, and a hooker wig.


Luckily, I already had a costume for Miss Smarty Britches and myself (so that hooker wig's still available, ladies!). We took part in a haunted birthday party last weekend. MSB was the Grim Reaper, and I was a zombie.

Just add red lipstick, and I'm Courtney Love!

We really had a lot of fun scaring the shit out of little kids. Yeah, we’re mean.


The kids went on a “haunted” walk through the woods. MSB was up in a treehouse, so it looked like she was floating, and she threw plastic spiders on the kids when they walked past her.


They stuck my ass out in the woods by some fake headstones with a spooky light. I laid down in front of the headstones, and my cousin dumped two trash bags full of leaves on me.


When the kids walked by, I stuck my hand up out of those leaves, and the screaming and crying began! WooooHoooo! I fucking ROCK as a zombie! Then I limped after them a la Jason Vorhees, eliciting even more peewee panic.


So, tonight MSB is trick-or-treating with my sister and her two-year-old, who is the cutest stinking li’l cowboy EVER!

And I’m at home with more than 5 minutes to myself, so I decided to grace you with a Halloween blog post.


Now, last Halloween I did a post about how all of the female costumes were slutty, naughty, or sexy. I suggest you read it HERE, or my zombie self will come to your house and eat your brains.


This year, I've decided to post about what some of you people do to your poor dogs every Halloween. That's right....doggie costumes! Along with what I think these pups would say to their owners if they could talk.

"I hope you get warts."

"Somebody better save me a turkey leg."

"A cat?  You dressed me up as a fucking cat?"

"I'm a wild and craaaazy guy!"

"What are the guys down at the park gonna say?"

"Oh yeah.  I'm cooking you up something REAL nice.  Check your shoe in the morning."

"I couldn't be Toto.  Nooooo, I've gotta be that skipping bitch Dorothy!"

"Gilligaaaaan!"

"The bitches love a baller!"

"I'm the bride, and this is MY day!  I said I wanted roses, not no cheap ass daisies!  It's MY DAY, DAMMIT!"

"Kiss my ass.  Really."

"I'm really more of a jeans kind of girl."

"Garsh, our owners are creative...NOT!"

"I am Bark Vader."

"Shit on your rug, I will."

"I bit the sheriff...."

"What do you mean you don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' no puppies?"

"I never get my own costume!  I always have to wear my cousin, the chihuahua's hand-me-downs.  NO quiero Taco Bell!"

"What am I, Jurassic Bark?"

"I am SO chewing your hat later, sailor boy."

"Yeah, I'm Paula Deen's dog."

"Slash can't rock out without his hat and guitar.  Bring me my fucking hat and guitar!"

"Hey, Marmaduke.  Wassup, big boy?"

"Weiner dogs dressed as hot dogs:  yep, that's original."

"Pimpin' ain't easy."

"You've jacked my hair all up.  Do you have any idea how much my salon charges?"

"But I'm not even a hound dog!"

"Have the lambs stopped crying, Clarice?"

So, there you go.  Hope you enjoyed this year's Halloween post.  And for cripe's sake, just let your doggie be a doggie!