Days 2 and 3 of the P90X Saga

In my previous blog, I recounted the trials and tribulations of Day 1 (chest and back) in the P90X exercise program. Now that I have regained partial use of my arms, I thought I would let you know about Days 2 and 3. On Day 2, I did the Ab Ripper X workout.

I have cleverly deduced the reason they call it Ab Ripper X. It is because, after completing this little jewel, you will want to reach down your own throat and rip out your abdominal muscles. Yes, this is a fun one, boys and girls! Satan (the dude from the video) has concluded that I must be punished for some past misdeed, and he has taken it out on my abs.

My husband and my 8-year-old daughter (Miss Smarty Pants) joined me in this celebration of abdominal torture, and it made me feel a little better that I heard several grunts of pain from my husband. I know, that’s mean, but WHATEVER! What did NOT make me feel better was Miss Smarty Pants and her little comments, “Wow! This is easy!” “I did all 25 reps without stopping!” And my personal favorite, “Daddy, why is Mommy crying?”

At this point, I’m thinking that water-boarding doesn’t sound so bad! Perhaps they could force captured terrorists to perform Ab Ripper X. “You wanna blow up stuff in our country? Well, buddy, another hour of this might make you think twice before messing with us!” I think it could be quite effective in deterring terrorism. Mainly because they won’t be able to sit up straight long enough to fly a plane or drive a truck. Hell, I can’t even put on my own socks after doing this DVD!

Now that I've solved the terrorism problem in our country (you're welcome!), let’s talk about Day 3, shall we? This DVD is known as “Plyometrics.” Sounds innocuous enough, right? Maybe we’ll do some geometry or study the metric system. Not my idea of a good time, but hey, I could suffer through it.

Well, folks, the other term for plyometrics has nothing to do with mathematics. Nope! It’s also known as “jump training.” Uh oh! It basically consists of an entire hour of jumping, leaping, lungeing and twisting. I had to go get my ShamWOW to clean up all of the sweat pouring out of my body! There were three 30 second water breaks (that’s 90 seconds out of an hour!), during which I drank about 2 ½ gallons of water.

At this point, I am thinking that I would rather be interrogated by Jack Bauer than EVER do plyometrics again. My legs and butts are still quivering, causing me to stagger around like a drunken sailor. I got stuck on the toilet for an hour earlier because I couldn’t stand up. I guess I’m going to have to get some of those handicapped bars installed in my bathroom.

But I shall press on! If I am in this much pain, it must be working, right? In the meantime, can someone come over here and put my socks on for me? I’ll be waiting on the toilet. Thanks!

The Commercial

One evening I was watching TV with my 8-year-old daughter, the aforementioned Miss Smarty Pants (MSP), for those of you that have been following along with my blogs. It was late on a Friday night, and we were enjoying some quality time as fellow couch potatoes, watching old sitcoms. During the commercial break a pleasant voice came out of my TV. It said, “Are you tired of carrying around that extra weight?”

Me: “YES!”

TV Person: “Is it hard for you to get to the gym for expensive and time-consuming training or aerobic classes?”

Me: “Duh!”

TV Person: “Do you enjoy dancing?”

Me: “Yeah, baby! I love to shake my tailfeathers!”

TV Person: “Well, this is the workout video for you.”

Me: “Yippee!”

TV Person: “Try our fun and effective pole dancing instructional DVD! Lose weight while learning the most sexy and exotic moves we could find!” {Video of scantily-clad ladies grinding on chairs and spinning on poles accompanied the voice at this point.}

Me: {Shit, shit, shit!  Fumbling for the remote and speaking in an extremely loud voice…} “SO HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?”

I finally got the channel changed after a seemingly endless 10 seconds of more spinning, bumping and grinding. I was shocked that they would show this commercial on anything other than the Spice Channel, but thought that maybe I had distracted MSP with my quick-thinking and witty conversation.

No such luck! The next day, we were in a very crowded restaurant when MSP piped up (in that really loud voice kids use when they are saying something inappropriate), “Hey, Mom. Remember that lady dancing on that pole last night? That was funny!”

Oh, dear Lord! Now everyone was looking at me like I had drowned a puppy or something, which I guess is normal if they have reason to believe you've been chillaxin' at the local strip joint with your small child. Why, oh why didn’t I have my finger on the power button in case some semi-porn popped up on TV Land? Well, perhaps because I wasn’t expecting to see strippers during a commercial break while watching Full House. Who would’ve thought???

Somehow we made it through the rest of lunch without anyone calling Child Protective Services, but I’ve learned my lesson now. I always keep the remote control in my hand at all times when my daughter is in the room.

And while we’re on the subject, what is up with all of the commercials touting Cialis and Viagra? And they show those during prime time, not just on late night TV! Exactly how do you explain erectile dysfunction to an 8-year-old? I think I’ll discuss Cialis and Viagra in a later blog, so tune in….you don’t wanna miss it!

Update: I have suffered a broken leg and a concussion due to my new pole dancing, errr…… I mean, workout video. But I can still type, so my blogging will not be affected!